Hard copy writings of 1-3-2010

I wish I hadn't lost my journal on my hard drive....   :(

Things to expand upon
-Fear of his anger
-Dislike of negativity
-Feeling of being his "worker", not his wife
-His consistent use of "the wife" instead of my NAME!
-His alienation of friends willfully, because he believes them to be "after" him or ignoring him when they are just busy (like he is) or misinformed (he won't try to talk and set anything straight).

When we first met, he was getting therapy with a social worker, then a psych doctor. He saw the doctor for a few years, then got thrown out of his office (THAT was embarrassing, cos I was with him). This was after E handled a billing dispute by verbally abusing the doctor's office staff. I was NOT allowed to speak during this and was told "come on, we're leaving".

I suggested couples counseling and he refused directly three times, saying "it never works". (How can he know that, since he never tried it????)

I continued therapy and he went with me ONCE. I have tried to change my way of handling his verbal/mental abuse. My therapy got me to where I didn't break down into tears when he was abusive, only to have him yell at me to stop crying in the first year or two to walking away from his tirades and trying to communicate with him when he calmed down. (This did not work more often than not, but I tried)

Explanation of the gun/tractor incident;
One beautiful sunny day, I saw one of my barn cats running from the dog. I yelled at the dog to make her stop and E got angry because he had seen the cat go after the dog earlier. He got SO angry with ME that he went to the garage and got his loaded gun from behind the door and pointed it at my cat, saying he'd take care of the problem. He was upset because of my "double standard", but he KNEW that I hadn't seen the cat go after the dog! I pushed the gun barrel down and away (the proper procedure) and then he yelled that I should NEVER touch a loaded gun. I yelled back that he could not shoot the cat just because of a misunderstanding of mine. If he had just explained in a normal way, I would have just separated the dog and cat and not said a word! He insisted that I apologize to the dog, who had forgotten the entire incident by then and was off wandering in the barn.
After this, he wouldn't talk the situation out and got on the tractor to plow the garden. I wanted to talk and get the incident out into the open so that we could go on without resentment, but he was still closed up and angry (it always showed in his face and eyes). I stood in front of the tractor and said I wanted to talk. He said I'd better get out of the way or he'd "run me over".  By then, I was mad enough to tell him to go ahead and see where THAT got him!  Of course I'm still here, so he didn't...but he also would not talk to me for days and that incident never got resolved between us.

Explanation of the "chum-punch" in my bad shoulder that he threw because of a leftover piece of meat-
We had gone with his sister and her husband to a nice restaurant the night before and E had a chunk (about 2x2 inches square) of prime rib left. He had also put a lot of fat into the carry-out box...."for the dog".  He didn't tell ME that he was saving the meat for his lunch, so in the morning I gave the whole contents to the dog when I went out to feed the animals. E didn't notice until lunchtime and I was cleaning out my truck when he stormed up to the garage with that black cloud on his face and asked if I had given his meat to the dog with the fat. I said yes, I had and he started to put some force into a closed fist punch to my shoulder. Thankfully, he pulled some of the force at the last moment, but it was my shoulder with the torn rotator cuff that I have chronic pain with and it HURT. I was shocked that he had even touched me in anger like that and got VERY angry. He stormed off (silent treatment again for a couple of weeks) and I was so upset that I sent emails to my daughter in law and his sister about what happened. Both of THEM were appalled and I was implored by my daughter in law to move out to CA with them...."we can be happy".  E's sister was upset that this had happened, but of course she never interfered with E because she was afraid that he wouldn't talk to her or see her, so I got no support from that quarter. Good thing I didn't move out to CA, because I'm sure that would have ended up just like what happened HERE when I finally did move out and I counted on my son and daughter in law for a place to live and emotional support. When I got blamed for being so "fragile", while she harbored resentment and anger for months without confronting it or me. Yeah, I'm fragile.....who wouldn't be after living with a monster for all that time? She won't admit SHE is fragile and has a problem...she's just proud of being a "smart chick". Well, S......"Smart is as smart DOES"!