I'm going to record some hard-copy writings I've done over the years. Unfortunately, there are some important ones missing, as I believed I must destroy them before my husband found them. I sure wish I hadn't done that....
Anyway, here are a few from January and February of 2010
1-23 My two boys and I moved furniture today. E is freaking me out. His "favorite" uncle's funeral is today and his sister called to offer me a ride, since E is in Florida and decided he didn't have time to fly back and attend. So glad the kids didn't think I needed to actually go! I was scared that someone would stop at the house while we were there and start asking questions. My oldest suggested Xanax and I took a whole .5 pill. I want a glass of Bailey's BAD!
Outline for telling E....
~Controlling, anger, the little boy sadness like the message he left this afternoon
~I'm always on eggshells, "sorry" this and that to ward off his negative comments.
~Chaos=life to him....projects, no down-time, physically, mentally or emotionally.
~It's always his call, he sometimes says it's mine, but then critiques until things so his way
~No peace, no real play with nothing else pressing...it's wearing me out!
1-25 Finally got the nerve to tell E that we are going in opposite directions. Chickened out on telling him that I've got a lawyer ready to serve papers.
1-28 Spent a wonderful day with S. shopping and put up drapes and sheers in the dining room.
1-29 Last night a "counselor", supposedly for E, called for more info "about E, to help him". Cindy N. was the name she left and her home and cell numbers. My oldest son advised me to ask my lawyer, so I left a message for Z. S didn't think it was a bad idea to at least return the "counselor's" call. Yesterday, E also texted me "Why are you doing what you are doing?"
Got a locksmith out for new lock with one key for all of them today. E took over $9,000 out of our joint account and must have locked the AT&T account, cos I can't get in. "Boo-hoo!" :) Looks like he FINALLY changed his password to his gmail account too!
1-30 Finally getting the lighting install finished. Got the $60,000 into my personal account and put my youngest son on the account with me. Have neck, shoulder and head pain on the LEFT now. TG I have a dr appt on Monday!
1-31 Woke this morning to a gorgeous sunrise! My window faces SE and the frozen field ehond the land sparkles with snow crystals and the remainder of moisture creates a slight fog over and around the trees in the distance. I am at peace for now and will use this Sunday to remain so! :)
2-3 E messaged me to swap keys to the vehicles and I asked my son to take care of it.
He also lowered the price from $325,000 to $299,900, changed the locks and security code to make the place more "secure". I called the realtor to ask her for the codes and she said E told her not to give them to me! Another nail in E's coffin of divorce. My attorney said I can get into the house any way I can manage and there is nothing E can do about it! My youngest son wants to stay low-key and I really don't care to have to maintain the place, so I don't really care. I have some things there, but they really don't matter anymore.
2-18 My "bucket list", i.e. " more drops in the bucket" that led to serving E with divorce papers...small "drops" to be sure, but they count all the same...
~When he bought flower/plants for the FL place, his preferences were always chosen. He chose impatiens, not that I don't like them. I do, but I expressed interests that he never even acknowledged.
~His INSISTENCE that I loved to cook. Just because I was good at it was enought reason for him to sya that.
~His yapping about "fat" people, like HE wasn't fat!
~His snoring and farting- he seemed to think there was GLORY in it!
~Anger/jealousy of my being able to sleep when he couldn't
~Love= Hate........as Hate= Love
~He would not allow my kitties to be a part of me and my life without a constant battle about it! MauMau might be alive today if I had left E back then instead of later!
~I let him pry my hand and my heart from my family.
~My sum of existence became what HE wanted it to be, at threat of "losing" my nickname, which HE gave me and defined! I was afraid to be MYSELF, for fear of his losing his "Punkin"!
~I knew it was time when I realized that I had stopped singing.
2-22 I feel oddly detached today. Went for an early walk with Penny and had to run back to the bathroom. I must have eaten too much food yesterday. I'm just happy the kids weren't awake to see me having to dash to the bathroom. I must reorganize myself. Had a good week and now back to feeling like I'm in neutral all the time. :(
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