Found another notebook...

This one was obviously written after I filed the divorce papers and had moved out!

Will I be called upon for a statement re: E and our marriage?

Points~
- Before we were married and for the first few years, E was on depression meds and going for therapy, with and without me

-After he broke his back (he FORGOT the heating and cooling guys had TOLD him that they had taken out a piece of the scaffolding to put in venting. It was E's mistake that caused him to fall and I was his caretaker AND paid the bills, then went back to work when he was well enough.

-While my Mom was dying...E's anger about the way I was packaging an antique sled I had sold on eBay. He didn't ask me how I was planning to do it, just derided the way he SAW (I hadn't finished) and he wouldn't allow me to take care of my own project and its details. I was already upset over Mom and E's nastiness caused me to completely break down crying. I called Susie and Dar...when they came over, they saw him and how he was immediately. They hadn't seen him in anything but his "charming" mode before that.

-I called E's sister about the "disagreement" and all she could say was "E has issues"....like I didn't KNOW that! DUH!  Turns out that E had called her husband and J told him to "get to a marriage counselor right away".  LOL....I asked E several times to go with me and his answer "that never works" is very telling...since he's never been to one!

-My birthday...we were insulating the new attic and he hadn't said a word to me about it being my birthday. Then I didn't read his mind about the laying of the insulation. ANGER! I left him to himself and the insulation, then later he took me to buy a card for me while I stood in another aisle! He also bought a keychain for me and we went to dinner.  I didn't need a card or a gift or dinner....all I wanted was a hug, some kindness and a "happy birthday" maybe.....

-E "chum-punched" my bad shoulder hard regarding a 2"x2" chunk of leftover meat that I gave to the dog. He "wanted to have it for lunch". We had gone out to dinner the night before and since he put the chunk of meat into the box we put the fat into for the dog, I figured it was intended for her too. I guess I was wrong.

-E allowed my cat, Apollo, to get lost while I was at work one day. E had "gotten busy" and took his eye off Pollo.  I had to leave work to go home and find my little boy because E "had to go to work". Pollo came right out for me....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More notes from the next page....

For attorney appointment of 6/9/2011

FLA house not sold?!?!  How does E's attorney not know???

MC house- E's "value" pre-addition was $60,000 to $80,000

My monetary contribution to the addition was $106,000 from the sale of my OWN house

We BOTH worked on the addition physically. We both planned the addition together.  My legal counsel HAS all the "proof" that I was able to get re: MY $$$ into the addition

Auction of marital property???? (per E when I picked up my pre-marital furniture)  How much? Where is the money?  Also, E called my oldest son the very next day and told him that he had sold my pre-marital furniture with the house and if he doesn't have it there, he'll have to come up with $1500. Since I had given the stuff to G, I told my son to ask him. G let it go and my son actually went out and HELPED E put it back.  Since it was MY pre-marital furniture that he had NO RIGHT (according to my attorney) to sell, shouldn't I get that money???
 I understand this forgiveness stuff of ACIM and NA, but REALLY!!!!

Judge "might" consider value increase as marital?!?!  My money, work and time was there as well as E's I quit my good job at UPS to be General Contractor for the addition (E's idea!).

If this LENGTHY process is not a continuance of E's emotional/mental abuse of me, what is it?? He's changed lawyers FOUR times!
Does it even matter WHY I sued for divorce? (Mental/emotion cruelty)

Dad's house- E demanded to be allowed to work on Dad's house to "increase" the value....
I was offered $68,000 BEFORE I had to gut the house of carpet and get rid of all Dad's things. I ended up with $70,000. NO VALUE INCREASE!!!  Plus tons of physical labor on my account because E didn't even start on the house for MONTHS! I paid taxes and utilities months longer than needed. The first offer was to close when I like and I wouldn't have had to do anyting but to take out what I wanted from the house.  E referred to the work on Dad's house as "practice" for MORE improvements to the MC house before we tried to sell it. He also used my inheritance $$$ for supplies (coerced me into it).

About the paralegal....does she communicate ANYTHING that I tell her about the $$$'s?? I have had to repeat and supply the same documents more times that I care to count.

Had to pay for a rewrite that was NOT my mistake. I told the paralegal which vehicle was mine and it's on the initial interrogatory.

Can we move this along??? E's attorney should be "caught up" by now?!?!

PLEASE get both depo's done before the next conference! This is RIDICULOUS!

Ask strongly for AT LEAST part of my attorney fees!!!

Also....I do NOT appreciate the comment that the paralegal made regarding how many clients there are. An attorney should NOT take on more clients than he/she can handle fairly. At his rates, he and his paralegal should at least communicate effectively and move along at a respectable pace!

Trying a new idea that came to me at 4am...

I'm going to record some hard-copy writings I've done over the years. Unfortunately, there are some important ones missing, as I believed I must destroy them before my husband found them. I sure wish I hadn't done that....

Anyway, here are a few from January and February of 2010

1-23 My two boys and I moved furniture today. E is freaking me out. His "favorite" uncle's funeral is today and his sister called to offer me a ride, since E is in Florida and decided he didn't have time to fly back and attend. So glad the kids didn't think I needed to actually go! I was scared that someone would stop at the house while we were there and start asking questions. My oldest suggested Xanax and I took a whole .5 pill. I want a glass of Bailey's BAD!

Outline for telling E....
~Controlling, anger, the little boy sadness like the message he left this afternoon
~I'm always on eggshells, "sorry" this and that to ward off his negative comments.
~Chaos=life to him....projects, no down-time, physically, mentally or emotionally.
~It's always his call, he sometimes says it's mine, but then critiques until things so his way
~No peace, no real play with nothing else pressing...it's wearing me out!

1-25 Finally got the nerve to tell E that we are going in opposite directions. Chickened out on telling him that I've got a lawyer ready to serve papers.

1-28 Spent a wonderful day with S. shopping and put up drapes and sheers in the dining room.

1-29 Last night a "counselor", supposedly for E, called for more info "about E, to help him". Cindy N. was the name she left and her home and cell numbers.  My oldest son advised me to ask my lawyer, so I left a message for Z. S didn't think it was a bad idea to at least return the "counselor's" call. Yesterday, E also texted me "Why are you doing what you are doing?"
Got a locksmith out for new lock with one key for all of them today. E took over $9,000 out of our joint account and must have locked the AT&T account, cos I can't get in. "Boo-hoo!" :)  Looks like he FINALLY changed his password to his gmail account too!

1-30 Finally getting the lighting install finished. Got the $60,000 into my personal account and put my youngest son on the account with me. Have neck, shoulder and head pain on the LEFT now. TG I have a dr appt on Monday!

1-31 Woke this morning to a gorgeous sunrise! My window faces SE and the frozen field ehond the land sparkles with snow crystals and the remainder of moisture creates a slight fog over and around the trees in the distance. I am at peace for now and will use this Sunday to remain so!  :)

2-3 E messaged me to swap keys to the vehicles and I asked my son to take care of it.
He also lowered the price from $325,000 to $299,900, changed the locks and security code to make the place more "secure". I called the realtor to ask her for the codes and she said E told her not to give them to me! Another nail in E's coffin of divorce. My attorney said I can get into the house any way I can manage and there is nothing E can do about it! My youngest son wants to stay low-key and I really don't care to have to maintain the place, so I don't really care. I have some things there, but they really don't matter anymore.

2-18 My "bucket list", i.e. " more drops in the bucket" that led to serving E with divorce papers...small "drops" to be sure, but they count all the same...
~When he bought flower/plants for the FL place, his preferences were always chosen. He chose impatiens, not that I don't like them. I do, but I expressed interests that he never even acknowledged.
~His INSISTENCE that I loved to cook. Just because I was good at it was enought reason for him to sya that.
~His yapping about "fat" people, like HE wasn't fat!
~His snoring and farting- he seemed to think there was GLORY in it!
~Anger/jealousy of my being able to sleep when he couldn't
~Love= Hate........as Hate= Love
~He would not allow my kitties to be a part of me and my life without a constant battle about it! MauMau might be alive today if I had left E back then instead of later!
~I let him pry my hand and my heart from my family.
~My sum of existence became what HE wanted it to be, at threat of "losing" my nickname, which HE gave me and defined! I was afraid to be MYSELF, for fear of his losing his "Punkin"!
~I knew it was time when I realized that I had stopped singing.

2-22 I feel oddly detached today. Went for an early walk with Penny and had to run back to the bathroom. I must have eaten too much food yesterday. I'm just happy the kids weren't awake to see me having to dash to the bathroom. I must reorganize myself. Had a good week and now back to feeling like I'm in neutral all the time. :(

What is this????

I think I figured out what all this "blogging" is for. I'm using it as a form of self-help. So, this is the "Help Myself Blog", which translates the same way, as far as I'm concerned. I did have a nice dose of love from my son today though...he's showing his true sweet spirit and angel soul. He usually does, even when he's not feeling so great himself. He's been going through just as much if not more than I have been lately. His wife has been putting pressure on him to choose between her and me, his Momma. I can forgive a lot, but I will not and cannot forgive anyone hurting my son, either one of them!

Don't trust

I have found that trust is not to be found in most people, especially the ones who promise you the world as you need it. I have been told I could stay here for five years, if needed and since there was a problem caused by the presence of me and my pets, I'm now on the lookout for my own place. Since the divorce is not over with and doesn't look as if it will be soon, this is another hardship that was placed because I believed in something I was told a more than a year ago. Yes, I know things change....obviously. One more lesson in life.....why do I go on trusting what people say and do? Because my innate nature is a trusting one. Even when I say "are you sure?" over and over and people say "yes", things end up being a boggle of deceit and isolation.

The latest in my quest to find the end of love by dancing without end....

 “I understand you a lot better than you think I do.” .....


Remember that line? It's from the movie, "Tootsie", starring Dustin Hoffman among others. Mr. Hoffman plays the part of a woman and when another man is trying to explain why he uses women the way he does to Hoffman in his female guise, that is what he tells the womanizer.


It applies to many other situations though. Like a person who insists upon helping with a situation, then suddenly decides she/he is "done" with it and you are on your own.

Preaching and Reality

Ever notice the difference between what you SAY and what you DO?  For years, you "preached" about how the law states that divorce resolution is 50/50 regarding marital property and now what are you doing? You are not the man I married, that's for sure. I guess I'm not the woman you married either, since you abused me for your own amusement in so many ways. I'm coming back though...and WILL be back to my old self soon. I have friends and family who stuck by me, even when I was agoraphobic due to your aggressive mental abuse of my mind. They are helping me to slowly regain my forward movement and reach back into the back of my mind to recover things like my love of reading, my extensive vocabulary and the arts of drawing and painting...as well as my love of nature and walking for hours alone or with friends.

You cannot reach my mind anymore and had better not come in direct or indirect contact with me. There are laws protecting me, as well as people who love me and will be there for me when needed. Unlike yourself, pushing away friends and family alike while actively seeking out things to look upon as negative...I'm reaching OUT to friends and family, telling them what happened to me during the 11 years of subtle and progressive mental and emotional abuse you dished out while seeming to be the loving husband I thought I had married. It took me about 3 years to realize you had changed and I tried and tried to get you to find help, with or without me. Instead you refused and continued to move on into the dark abyss you find yourself in now, dragging me along because I wouldn't quit trying to save you and myself, as well as our marriage.

Well, that's done now....feel free to move on with your life. I hope you find peace and happiness.
 I forgive myself and you and anyone who was involved in perpetuating our descent into anger and frustration that was mutually wounding.

The SAME THING???

When we were first dating, I went to the grocery store with you and then back to your house to put groceries away. I had driven over after work, so my car was right there ready to take me home.  

While we were bringing in bags of groceries, I said something (I don't even remember exactly what it was) about myself, probably making a comment about being a "dumb blonde" or something.  You told me not to say things like that about myself AS you elbowed me HARD in the back! 

It really hurt and I started to cry. You didn't apologize, and kept on putting things away in the pantry while I went into the bathroom to look at my back in the mirror. There was a big red splotch and I could tell it was going to bruise (it did, and the bruise was nasty looking as well as being very sore for several days). 

I walked back out to the kitchen, where you were putting things into the fridge. By then, I was just sniffling a little, but I had dried my eyes.  You looked flatly at me as I came out and I asked if you had done that on purpose. You told me that I hurting myself by saying things like that, so you should be able to hurt me in the way you did. You said IT WAS THE SAME THING!  

 I got really upset  and knew I was going to cry AGAIN, but I also knew that you HATED it when I cried, so I just picked up my purse and walked out the door, got into my car and drove home.  I told myself that I was never going out with you again...but you know what? The next day, you called and you were sooooo sweet and told me about getting tickets for some band we liked and that we were going that weekend.  Did I tell you no, and hang up? NO!   I told MYSELF that it was your way of apologizing and everything would be ok.

West Winds....

I remember the VERY early winter morning when I got up to work at 6am and went outside to the car to find it would not start.  My job was only five minutes from home at that time and the winter weather had blown in that night with below zero wind chills. Since the four-car garage was filled to bursting with your projects and that tractor you decided to "restore", our cars could not fit into the space. I had parked the car I used up by the house so that it would be easy for me to run out and start it up to warm while I got ready for work.

When the car would NOT start, I woke you and told you about it. Getting up, you went out and tried it for yourself. Being groggy with sleep, you were very quiet and I stayed out of the way, but at hand in case you needed me to hand you a tool or something.  You asked for the hair dryer and I ran in to get it, looking at the clock and thinking that I was going to be VERY late if this didn't work.  I wasn't going to say anything to you because I KNEW it would not be a good idea.

After using the hair dryer all you dared, the car still wouldn't start and I told you I was going to call my boss to let her know I wouldn't be in until you could drop me off on YOUR way to work. That would be hours later, but there was no way around it, unless you could take me in and then go back home to sleep.

You belligerently began to tell me it was MY fault the car was "frozen" up!  You said that EVERYONE knows that you do not park a car with the nose facing west winds in the winter!  I was struck dumb by your righteous anger!  There were SO many times that both of us had parked that very same car in that very same spot the very same way...in WINTER!

I grew up with a mechanic for a Dad, as you know.....he never mentioned ANYTHING about "west winds" in winter, summer or any other time!  I had never heard of that and YOU certainly never told me such a thing! Since you've told me many other true, untrue and weird things, I found it astounding that west winds in winter never came up until this!

I didn't say anything to you about it at that time, because I knew it wouldn't do any good and would just make you start yelling, since you are ALWAYS right.  I called my boss and luckily, she was on her way to work and would swing by and pick me up.  I was never so glad to get away from you and your Hyde attitude and go to work! I was also never so glad that you were at work when I arrived home via a ride from a co-worker.

When you did come home, I asked you how much you remembered....thinking (hoping) that you had been just too sleepy and disoriented to have really known what you said to me.  You started in on that "west wind in winter" thing again, so I went to bed with a good book and ignored your pouting and anger.  This particular Hyde-event lasted a little over one week, until you forgot about it.

My Birthday Party...

Remember my birthday party.... the first one I spent with you?  We had invited several of your family to come with us to the City Club and you paid for a wonderful meal for everyone.  When you paid about $100 for a bottle of great champagne,  I was shocked!  Back in 1997, that was quite a lot of money for us.

We had a good time eating and chatting, then all of you sang Happy Birthday to me.  You stood up and toasted me, referring to me as "the woman of your dreams".  Your sister was in tears and quietly said, "oh........!".   It was VERY romantic!

What a fantastic evening that was.  I wish my Mom and Dad could have been there with us, but they were both not feeling well and couldn't make it. I told them all about it the next day and they were SO happy for me to have found such a sensitive and caring man.

 Happy times.....

Leaves...

Remember the time when I had left the garage door open on a beautiful, sunny and warm fall morning. It was a Sunday and I was up early, as usual. Letting you sleep in, I went outside to take care of all the animals and decided that the cement slab would get nice and warm with the way the sun was shining if I left both garage doors open. I knew you were planning on working out in the garage later when you woke up. I then went back into the house and made breakfast and we had it out on the patio with our long, lingering coffee and conversation afterward.
Soon after you walked up to the garage, you came STORMING back to the house, where I was vacuuming the downstairs gathering room.  You were having an absolute FIT about all the leaves that had blown into the garage. You could not BELIEVE that I left those doors open, even though you did it all the time to "warm up the slab" and make the garage more comfortable to work in.  Being the fall season, there were plenty of leaves and the breeze in the morning when I left the doors open was not enough to even rustle them. Evidently, while we were having our breakfast a wind had come up. I went up there with you and saw that leaves had blown in, but it wasn't exactly six feet deep, like you would have had me believe.  I did apologize and explained why I left the doors open, but that wasn't enough for you. You ranted on about it all day long and ruined a perfectly lovely day for me. You ruined it for yourself too, because it really was NOT a tragedy to have leaves blow into your garage, which you had "just swept clean yourself" the day before.
Why didn't you EVER think about all the stuff you walked through a clean house with on your shoes, boots and pant legs?  I would spend my whole day off cleaning, especially when we had company coming over for dinner or something. You'd be walking through from the back door to the basement entry...back and forth...sawdust, wood chips, metal scraps, leaves, dirt....all kinds of debris falling to the carpet in our HOUSE! The you would come in and take off your outer shirt that was full of whatever you'd been working around and drop it on the floor or throw in on a chair.
Why did you never see that you so often did things to OTHERS when you constantly raged that people did to YOU????