A tiny grain of sand gently rolled over time has parted from its parent substance and mixed in with many other grains of sand. Over time, the grain of sand has moved here and there, rolling against many wonderful and frightening things, but on it rolls with the pull of the waters around it. Finally the grain of sand comes to rest upon a lovely beach. It enjoys sun and wind, storms come and go, but still the grain of sand rests high up upon the beach where the wind has taken it from the waters and set it down out of reach of the waves. The grain of sand feels comfortable resting with its companions. Plants begin to grow and bind it to the earth, reaching to the sky so that the grain of sand is able to feel shade during the hottest part of the day and the comforting feeling of pure safety and love as the plants roots wrap themselves around it. This goes on for years and the grain of sand is content.
Suddenly, the pounding of the waters that is a constant in the grain of sands existence disappears. In fact the waters pull far back away from the beach. A feeling of doom descends and a wall of water appears upon the horizon, black and thundering down upon the lovely beach. The huge wave envelops the beach completely and everything on the beach disappears, mixed in with the pounding force of the waters. The grain of sand is lost, never to be found again on that lovely beach.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Do I care?
Do I care if anyone I know reads my posts?
Do I care if YOU do?
Do I care if anyone thinks less of me after reading my posts?
Do I care if YOU do?
The answer is NO; I am who I am meant to be and and am responsible for my OWN health and happiness! No one can MAKE me healthy and happy and no one can make YOU healthy and happy!
Do I care if YOU do?
Do I care if anyone thinks less of me after reading my posts?
Do I care if YOU do?
The answer is NO; I am who I am meant to be and and am responsible for my OWN health and happiness! No one can MAKE me healthy and happy and no one can make YOU healthy and happy!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Only if it's paid for....LOL....
1-26-2010
You called to say that you wanted to "have a one on one" with me and a counselor that you had lined up from your workplace. That's how important all of this was to you. If it's paid for by the company, you'd get counseling. (Knowing what you've said about company doctors, that was NOT reassuring! Also, I had tried to encourage you for years to go with me and you said "that never works", and refused to even consider it.)
I didn't say much except that I needed space to think and you finally relented about the appointment, but continued to chat about this and that (insulating the attic, choice of windows and paint, etc). You were pleasant enough, but this was very annoying since I already told you I needed space. Maybe if you listened and HEARD instead of just "listening" and enjoying your own voice, you'd have more and longer lasting relationships in all aspects of your life!
You called to say that you wanted to "have a one on one" with me and a counselor that you had lined up from your workplace. That's how important all of this was to you. If it's paid for by the company, you'd get counseling. (Knowing what you've said about company doctors, that was NOT reassuring! Also, I had tried to encourage you for years to go with me and you said "that never works", and refused to even consider it.)
I didn't say much except that I needed space to think and you finally relented about the appointment, but continued to chat about this and that (insulating the attic, choice of windows and paint, etc). You were pleasant enough, but this was very annoying since I already told you I needed space. Maybe if you listened and HEARD instead of just "listening" and enjoying your own voice, you'd have more and longer lasting relationships in all aspects of your life!
A call from you on 1/5/2010
You had been in Florida for a while and gave me a call here in the Great White North to say that a saleswoman at the cell phone store noticed a particular contact on your phone. She asked you, "is that your wife?" and you replied that it was, with all the usual endearments attached to the nickname when you are in a good mood.
I stated that you don't always call me that (meaning your bad mood terms of NON-endearment, i.e abuse) and you totally ignored my statement....no apology or asking what I meant. You moved on to the next topic of your choice, as usual.....
I stated that you don't always call me that (meaning your bad mood terms of NON-endearment, i.e abuse) and you totally ignored my statement....no apology or asking what I meant. You moved on to the next topic of your choice, as usual.....
Monday, January 30, 2012
More of my hard copy "notes" while still with you..
Packrat who does not finish ANYTHING!
Wants the garage completely swept out and free of leaves, etc., but tracks EVERYTHING into the house!
Completely negative about anyone else's driving and he's the one with all the accidents!
I'm afraid to drive at all with him...his discontent makes me too nervous.
I'm afraid to ride with him too, because of his aggravated misuse of vehicles in the past.
He was angry at me for a mistake in driving directions by Mapquest while we were driving to Florida and there was no apology when I explained to him that I was just following the directions given.
After I returned to Illinois, WELL after the trip to FL, he finally did apologize for his "monstrous behavior". I explained to him that this is one of the reasons why I thought we would benefit from counseling and he refused...AGAIN.
Frequently talks about doing "something nasty to the ex"...meaning his ex-wife. Examples he brought up..."dump chemicals like battery acid on her Mom's lawn". He said he liked her Mom fine! He still believes she is watching him and "doing things" to him!
His agenda is first, no other...no talking, doing, etc....
Elbowed me hard in the middle of the back once because I said something disparaging about myself.
He left a "hot" wire uncovered in the basement behind leftover wood and lots of wood dust!
He had months to get rid of his old stuff that he didn't want to take to Florida, but he left it all for me to dispose of....and I'd better "get something" for it, too!
He talks about himself as having an attitude of selflessness and HIS work is ALWAYS quality. Always talking down about others whom he doesn't even know. HIS opinion COUNTS...(only his).
Expects others to fix his mistakes.
He changes stories often to suit himself, telling others that he is reciting "verbatim"...WRONG!
Saw ComEd crew topping trees, he was going out there with a loaded gun, which I refused to get for him.
He calls himself a "Christian man", but he doesn't practice any form I've ever heard of in church!
Demeans my job and my paycheck for any job I've had.
Told me of "hiding" assets from his ex wife.
Threatens me with divorce (my Dad's birthday)
My stomach in a constant uproar until he's gone, nervous, "stuck", unable to concentrate.
Complained of my charitable donations with MY inheritance from MY Dad.."do you think we can afford that right now?".
He can spend all he wants on whatever he wants whenever he wants on things he hardly (or never) uses and then doesn't take them back to the store; just lets them sit and become totally useless.
He hates the neighbor (Jim) due to a silly mistake that Jim made remarking about property taxes and getting our property reassessed. Blames dead leaves on pine trees on Jim...remarking on "a spray pattern".
Wants the garage completely swept out and free of leaves, etc., but tracks EVERYTHING into the house!
Completely negative about anyone else's driving and he's the one with all the accidents!
I'm afraid to drive at all with him...his discontent makes me too nervous.
I'm afraid to ride with him too, because of his aggravated misuse of vehicles in the past.
He was angry at me for a mistake in driving directions by Mapquest while we were driving to Florida and there was no apology when I explained to him that I was just following the directions given.
After I returned to Illinois, WELL after the trip to FL, he finally did apologize for his "monstrous behavior". I explained to him that this is one of the reasons why I thought we would benefit from counseling and he refused...AGAIN.
Frequently talks about doing "something nasty to the ex"...meaning his ex-wife. Examples he brought up..."dump chemicals like battery acid on her Mom's lawn". He said he liked her Mom fine! He still believes she is watching him and "doing things" to him!
His agenda is first, no other...no talking, doing, etc....
Elbowed me hard in the middle of the back once because I said something disparaging about myself.
He left a "hot" wire uncovered in the basement behind leftover wood and lots of wood dust!
He had months to get rid of his old stuff that he didn't want to take to Florida, but he left it all for me to dispose of....and I'd better "get something" for it, too!
He talks about himself as having an attitude of selflessness and HIS work is ALWAYS quality. Always talking down about others whom he doesn't even know. HIS opinion COUNTS...(only his).
Expects others to fix his mistakes.
He changes stories often to suit himself, telling others that he is reciting "verbatim"...WRONG!
Saw ComEd crew topping trees, he was going out there with a loaded gun, which I refused to get for him.
He calls himself a "Christian man", but he doesn't practice any form I've ever heard of in church!
Demeans my job and my paycheck for any job I've had.
Told me of "hiding" assets from his ex wife.
Threatens me with divorce (my Dad's birthday)
My stomach in a constant uproar until he's gone, nervous, "stuck", unable to concentrate.
Complained of my charitable donations with MY inheritance from MY Dad.."do you think we can afford that right now?".
He can spend all he wants on whatever he wants whenever he wants on things he hardly (or never) uses and then doesn't take them back to the store; just lets them sit and become totally useless.
He hates the neighbor (Jim) due to a silly mistake that Jim made remarking about property taxes and getting our property reassessed. Blames dead leaves on pine trees on Jim...remarking on "a spray pattern".
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I Have Learned
I have learned two things for certain over the years. Nothing is for certain and there are always strings attached.
All "they" do is give it to you...
It's not other people, it's not your boss or your enemies or the kid at the supermarket.
It's you.
You ask for it, [ES], and all they do is give it to you.
* from "The Overton Window" by Glenn Beck
It's you.
You ask for it, [ES], and all they do is give it to you.
* from "The Overton Window" by Glenn Beck
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