3-7-05 (On a yellow legal pad)
Yesterday ~ Full scale blow up; I got tired and gave back what I got; bad mess; Dad upset (should NOT have been!)
I remember this day. It was my Dad's birthday and E didn't want to even go over there and say Happy Birthday to the man who treated him like a son. Dad treated Ed better than E's own Dad did! I blew up and drove off, scattering gravel. An hour or so after I arrived at my father's house, we were sitting at the kitchen table and E came in. He told Dad that he had "better come over and make sure no lies were told". My Dad put up his hand and told E that "my daughter has never spoken one word against you". That shut E down cold. I smiled (very coldly) and told him that I didn't tell Dad about how badly his son-in-law had behaved and had made up an excuse for him (just like I always had). E kept on and threatened me, "you are pushing toward divorce!". I smiled very warmly then and told him fine. He blustered on a bit and I got up and told him to get the hell out of my father's house. E then left and I took a couple of hours trying to make my Dad feel better. It really upset him to see that and it was not necessary at all. I was not intended to tell Dad ANYTHING of E's behavior, but E had to blunder in and make everyone see what a jerk he can be.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Codependent ~ Just another label?
I've been studying like mad everything I can get my hands on about codependency and its symptoms, cause, etc., ad infinitum. Seems to me that this is just another label or "excuse" for what comes naturally to some people. I've read SO much, talked about it in therapy and hyper-analyzed myself to distraction. Just the WORD gets my "dander up", as Mom used to say.
Found some more "writings" of mine own and am making up a file of them after I record them here. After my demise, either timely or untimely, the people I leave behind can either read them all or shred them. My only request is that they be recycled, please....
Found some more "writings" of mine own and am making up a file of them after I record them here. After my demise, either timely or untimely, the people I leave behind can either read them all or shred them. My only request is that they be recycled, please....
Thursday, January 19, 2012
On and on it goes....
Positive thinking.....I try to keep it up, but sometimes I get swatted very hard by something (an email or letter from my attorney) and the negativity creeps in. I have a bad day or two and then I'm fine. This is so much better than it was at the beginning. I can't help but wonder how wonderful it will be when the divorce is finalized. Of course, since E won't supply needed info and cooperate with the proceedings, it makes things a bit harder. I'm sure he's coming up with all sorts of excuses, just like he always did. I used to enable that by making excuses for him. LOL...THAT is over for sure!
What does he mean by making this take so long? Does he just want to use up ALL the money we accumulated together? Does he just want to "make me suffer"? I can tell you he's already made me suffer...during out marriage. No matter what happens from now on, the suffering is over for me. I could happily live with nothing and no one after living with and dealing with his unmedicated bi-polar personality. It was SO much easier when he was taking meds and getting therapy. Not to say that it was EASY...but living with anyone takes work. I'm not easy to live with either...evidently! :(
My best friends tell me I'm wonderful, kind, caring and loving. My cats think I'm Bastet in living form, the dog thinks I'm whatever dogs think is God. BUT I KNOW...I'm human, I'm faulty and I'm a work in process. I also know that I'm doing the best I can with what I have and always have....too bad some people can't deal with that.
My new "project" during my whirly-twirly thinking sessions is about co-dependency. I'm thinking that it's a generalized label that is used TOO MUCH. It is used as an excuse mostly and I believe that is just WRONG. The label seems to allow many people to just accept themselves the way they are and stop any attempts at improvement. It also allows cruelty to others in a way. I was "put out" of my son and daughter-in-law's home after being invited to live there until my divorce was final. Everyone knew what was being taken on and after the reality set in of having a larger household with larger problems, the daughter-in-law decided she had had enough. She talked of divorce to my son, which was unkind to say the least. I had told them before this that I should just move out on my own because I was causing too many problems with them. I was told at THAT time that I should not...then shortly thereafter, was given an ultimatum. It was me or the wife from what my son said...he chose the wife. I just hope that he isn't sorry after a period of time goes by. Some of the things he says about his marriage and what his wife wants is very reminiscent of MY marriage. It's scary, but he's got to do what he thinks is right for him at the time, just like I did. Going back over it won't do any good, but I want to warn him about reliving my marriage with E when he talks about his wife and her wants/needs. Oh well...it's his life. I love him no matter what, just like I do his brother who has overcome drug addiction and is living the life of his dreams now.
What does he mean by making this take so long? Does he just want to use up ALL the money we accumulated together? Does he just want to "make me suffer"? I can tell you he's already made me suffer...during out marriage. No matter what happens from now on, the suffering is over for me. I could happily live with nothing and no one after living with and dealing with his unmedicated bi-polar personality. It was SO much easier when he was taking meds and getting therapy. Not to say that it was EASY...but living with anyone takes work. I'm not easy to live with either...evidently! :(
My best friends tell me I'm wonderful, kind, caring and loving. My cats think I'm Bastet in living form, the dog thinks I'm whatever dogs think is God. BUT I KNOW...I'm human, I'm faulty and I'm a work in process. I also know that I'm doing the best I can with what I have and always have....too bad some people can't deal with that.
My new "project" during my whirly-twirly thinking sessions is about co-dependency. I'm thinking that it's a generalized label that is used TOO MUCH. It is used as an excuse mostly and I believe that is just WRONG. The label seems to allow many people to just accept themselves the way they are and stop any attempts at improvement. It also allows cruelty to others in a way. I was "put out" of my son and daughter-in-law's home after being invited to live there until my divorce was final. Everyone knew what was being taken on and after the reality set in of having a larger household with larger problems, the daughter-in-law decided she had had enough. She talked of divorce to my son, which was unkind to say the least. I had told them before this that I should just move out on my own because I was causing too many problems with them. I was told at THAT time that I should not...then shortly thereafter, was given an ultimatum. It was me or the wife from what my son said...he chose the wife. I just hope that he isn't sorry after a period of time goes by. Some of the things he says about his marriage and what his wife wants is very reminiscent of MY marriage. It's scary, but he's got to do what he thinks is right for him at the time, just like I did. Going back over it won't do any good, but I want to warn him about reliving my marriage with E when he talks about his wife and her wants/needs. Oh well...it's his life. I love him no matter what, just like I do his brother who has overcome drug addiction and is living the life of his dreams now.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Confusion of the past two years...
Ok, now it's 2012 and is the divorce final? Of course not...E's not going to let it happen THAT fast! I don't know what it is with him...he's moved out of state and supposedly has a place to live. Last time I saw him, he said he "needed" the divorce to be final so he could get his own place. I told him I "needed" it to be done too, but I wasn't the one who changed lawyers five times and I'm certainly not the one who keeps ducking out of depositions by not providing the info the attorneys and the judge need.
Doing my best to "do the right thing" isn't always the best thing to do, it seems...... :(
Doing my best to "do the right thing" isn't always the best thing to do, it seems...... :(
Friday, August 5, 2011
Found another notebook...
This one was obviously written after I filed the divorce papers and had moved out!
Will I be called upon for a statement re: E and our marriage?
Points~
- Before we were married and for the first few years, E was on depression meds and going for therapy, with and without me
-After he broke his back (he FORGOT the heating and cooling guys had TOLD him that they had taken out a piece of the scaffolding to put in venting. It was E's mistake that caused him to fall and I was his caretaker AND paid the bills, then went back to work when he was well enough.
-While my Mom was dying...E's anger about the way I was packaging an antique sled I had sold on eBay. He didn't ask me how I was planning to do it, just derided the way he SAW (I hadn't finished) and he wouldn't allow me to take care of my own project and its details. I was already upset over Mom and E's nastiness caused me to completely break down crying. I called Susie and Dar...when they came over, they saw him and how he was immediately. They hadn't seen him in anything but his "charming" mode before that.
-I called E's sister about the "disagreement" and all she could say was "E has issues"....like I didn't KNOW that! DUH! Turns out that E had called her husband and J told him to "get to a marriage counselor right away". LOL....I asked E several times to go with me and his answer "that never works" is very telling...since he's never been to one!
-My birthday...we were insulating the new attic and he hadn't said a word to me about it being my birthday. Then I didn't read his mind about the laying of the insulation. ANGER! I left him to himself and the insulation, then later he took me to buy a card for me while I stood in another aisle! He also bought a keychain for me and we went to dinner. I didn't need a card or a gift or dinner....all I wanted was a hug, some kindness and a "happy birthday" maybe.....
-E "chum-punched" my bad shoulder hard regarding a 2"x2" chunk of leftover meat that I gave to the dog. He "wanted to have it for lunch". We had gone out to dinner the night before and since he put the chunk of meat into the box we put the fat into for the dog, I figured it was intended for her too. I guess I was wrong.
-E allowed my cat, Apollo, to get lost while I was at work one day. E had "gotten busy" and took his eye off Pollo. I had to leave work to go home and find my little boy because E "had to go to work". Pollo came right out for me....
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More notes from the next page....
For attorney appointment of 6/9/2011
FLA house not sold?!?! How does E's attorney not know???
MC house- E's "value" pre-addition was $60,000 to $80,000
My monetary contribution to the addition was $106,000 from the sale of my OWN house
We BOTH worked on the addition physically. We both planned the addition together. My legal counsel HAS all the "proof" that I was able to get re: MY $$$ into the addition
Auction of marital property???? (per E when I picked up my pre-marital furniture) How much? Where is the money? Also, E called my oldest son the very next day and told him that he had sold my pre-marital furniture with the house and if he doesn't have it there, he'll have to come up with $1500. Since I had given the stuff to G, I told my son to ask him. G let it go and my son actually went out and HELPED E put it back. Since it was MY pre-marital furniture that he had NO RIGHT (according to my attorney) to sell, shouldn't I get that money???
I understand this forgiveness stuff of ACIM and NA, but REALLY!!!!
Judge "might" consider value increase as marital?!?! My money, work and time was there as well as E's I quit my good job at UPS to be General Contractor for the addition (E's idea!).
If this LENGTHY process is not a continuance of E's emotional/mental abuse of me, what is it?? He's changed lawyers FOUR times!
Does it even matter WHY I sued for divorce? (Mental/emotion cruelty)
Dad's house- E demanded to be allowed to work on Dad's house to "increase" the value....
I was offered $68,000 BEFORE I had to gut the house of carpet and get rid of all Dad's things. I ended up with $70,000. NO VALUE INCREASE!!! Plus tons of physical labor on my account because E didn't even start on the house for MONTHS! I paid taxes and utilities months longer than needed. The first offer was to close when I like and I wouldn't have had to do anyting but to take out what I wanted from the house. E referred to the work on Dad's house as "practice" for MORE improvements to the MC house before we tried to sell it. He also used my inheritance $$$ for supplies (coerced me into it).
About the paralegal....does she communicate ANYTHING that I tell her about the $$$'s?? I have had to repeat and supply the same documents more times that I care to count.
Had to pay for a rewrite that was NOT my mistake. I told the paralegal which vehicle was mine and it's on the initial interrogatory.
Can we move this along??? E's attorney should be "caught up" by now?!?!
PLEASE get both depo's done before the next conference! This is RIDICULOUS!
Ask strongly for AT LEAST part of my attorney fees!!!
Also....I do NOT appreciate the comment that the paralegal made regarding how many clients there are. An attorney should NOT take on more clients than he/she can handle fairly. At his rates, he and his paralegal should at least communicate effectively and move along at a respectable pace!
Will I be called upon for a statement re: E and our marriage?
Points~
- Before we were married and for the first few years, E was on depression meds and going for therapy, with and without me
-After he broke his back (he FORGOT the heating and cooling guys had TOLD him that they had taken out a piece of the scaffolding to put in venting. It was E's mistake that caused him to fall and I was his caretaker AND paid the bills, then went back to work when he was well enough.
-While my Mom was dying...E's anger about the way I was packaging an antique sled I had sold on eBay. He didn't ask me how I was planning to do it, just derided the way he SAW (I hadn't finished) and he wouldn't allow me to take care of my own project and its details. I was already upset over Mom and E's nastiness caused me to completely break down crying. I called Susie and Dar...when they came over, they saw him and how he was immediately. They hadn't seen him in anything but his "charming" mode before that.
-I called E's sister about the "disagreement" and all she could say was "E has issues"....like I didn't KNOW that! DUH! Turns out that E had called her husband and J told him to "get to a marriage counselor right away". LOL....I asked E several times to go with me and his answer "that never works" is very telling...since he's never been to one!
-My birthday...we were insulating the new attic and he hadn't said a word to me about it being my birthday. Then I didn't read his mind about the laying of the insulation. ANGER! I left him to himself and the insulation, then later he took me to buy a card for me while I stood in another aisle! He also bought a keychain for me and we went to dinner. I didn't need a card or a gift or dinner....all I wanted was a hug, some kindness and a "happy birthday" maybe.....
-E "chum-punched" my bad shoulder hard regarding a 2"x2" chunk of leftover meat that I gave to the dog. He "wanted to have it for lunch". We had gone out to dinner the night before and since he put the chunk of meat into the box we put the fat into for the dog, I figured it was intended for her too. I guess I was wrong.
-E allowed my cat, Apollo, to get lost while I was at work one day. E had "gotten busy" and took his eye off Pollo. I had to leave work to go home and find my little boy because E "had to go to work". Pollo came right out for me....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More notes from the next page....
For attorney appointment of 6/9/2011
FLA house not sold?!?! How does E's attorney not know???
MC house- E's "value" pre-addition was $60,000 to $80,000
My monetary contribution to the addition was $106,000 from the sale of my OWN house
We BOTH worked on the addition physically. We both planned the addition together. My legal counsel HAS all the "proof" that I was able to get re: MY $$$ into the addition
Auction of marital property???? (per E when I picked up my pre-marital furniture) How much? Where is the money? Also, E called my oldest son the very next day and told him that he had sold my pre-marital furniture with the house and if he doesn't have it there, he'll have to come up with $1500. Since I had given the stuff to G, I told my son to ask him. G let it go and my son actually went out and HELPED E put it back. Since it was MY pre-marital furniture that he had NO RIGHT (according to my attorney) to sell, shouldn't I get that money???
I understand this forgiveness stuff of ACIM and NA, but REALLY!!!!
Judge "might" consider value increase as marital?!?! My money, work and time was there as well as E's I quit my good job at UPS to be General Contractor for the addition (E's idea!).
If this LENGTHY process is not a continuance of E's emotional/mental abuse of me, what is it?? He's changed lawyers FOUR times!
Does it even matter WHY I sued for divorce? (Mental/emotion cruelty)
Dad's house- E demanded to be allowed to work on Dad's house to "increase" the value....
I was offered $68,000 BEFORE I had to gut the house of carpet and get rid of all Dad's things. I ended up with $70,000. NO VALUE INCREASE!!! Plus tons of physical labor on my account because E didn't even start on the house for MONTHS! I paid taxes and utilities months longer than needed. The first offer was to close when I like and I wouldn't have had to do anyting but to take out what I wanted from the house. E referred to the work on Dad's house as "practice" for MORE improvements to the MC house before we tried to sell it. He also used my inheritance $$$ for supplies (coerced me into it).
About the paralegal....does she communicate ANYTHING that I tell her about the $$$'s?? I have had to repeat and supply the same documents more times that I care to count.
Had to pay for a rewrite that was NOT my mistake. I told the paralegal which vehicle was mine and it's on the initial interrogatory.
Can we move this along??? E's attorney should be "caught up" by now?!?!
PLEASE get both depo's done before the next conference! This is RIDICULOUS!
Ask strongly for AT LEAST part of my attorney fees!!!
Also....I do NOT appreciate the comment that the paralegal made regarding how many clients there are. An attorney should NOT take on more clients than he/she can handle fairly. At his rates, he and his paralegal should at least communicate effectively and move along at a respectable pace!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Trying a new idea that came to me at 4am...
I'm going to record some hard-copy writings I've done over the years. Unfortunately, there are some important ones missing, as I believed I must destroy them before my husband found them. I sure wish I hadn't done that....
Anyway, here are a few from January and February of 2010
1-23 My two boys and I moved furniture today. E is freaking me out. His "favorite" uncle's funeral is today and his sister called to offer me a ride, since E is in Florida and decided he didn't have time to fly back and attend. So glad the kids didn't think I needed to actually go! I was scared that someone would stop at the house while we were there and start asking questions. My oldest suggested Xanax and I took a whole .5 pill. I want a glass of Bailey's BAD!
Outline for telling E....
~Controlling, anger, the little boy sadness like the message he left this afternoon
~I'm always on eggshells, "sorry" this and that to ward off his negative comments.
~Chaos=life to him....projects, no down-time, physically, mentally or emotionally.
~It's always his call, he sometimes says it's mine, but then critiques until things so his way
~No peace, no real play with nothing else pressing...it's wearing me out!
1-25 Finally got the nerve to tell E that we are going in opposite directions. Chickened out on telling him that I've got a lawyer ready to serve papers.
1-28 Spent a wonderful day with S. shopping and put up drapes and sheers in the dining room.
1-29 Last night a "counselor", supposedly for E, called for more info "about E, to help him". Cindy N. was the name she left and her home and cell numbers. My oldest son advised me to ask my lawyer, so I left a message for Z. S didn't think it was a bad idea to at least return the "counselor's" call. Yesterday, E also texted me "Why are you doing what you are doing?"
Got a locksmith out for new lock with one key for all of them today. E took over $9,000 out of our joint account and must have locked the AT&T account, cos I can't get in. "Boo-hoo!" :) Looks like he FINALLY changed his password to his gmail account too!
1-30 Finally getting the lighting install finished. Got the $60,000 into my personal account and put my youngest son on the account with me. Have neck, shoulder and head pain on the LEFT now. TG I have a dr appt on Monday!
1-31 Woke this morning to a gorgeous sunrise! My window faces SE and the frozen field ehond the land sparkles with snow crystals and the remainder of moisture creates a slight fog over and around the trees in the distance. I am at peace for now and will use this Sunday to remain so! :)
2-3 E messaged me to swap keys to the vehicles and I asked my son to take care of it.
He also lowered the price from $325,000 to $299,900, changed the locks and security code to make the place more "secure". I called the realtor to ask her for the codes and she said E told her not to give them to me! Another nail in E's coffin of divorce. My attorney said I can get into the house any way I can manage and there is nothing E can do about it! My youngest son wants to stay low-key and I really don't care to have to maintain the place, so I don't really care. I have some things there, but they really don't matter anymore.
2-18 My "bucket list", i.e. " more drops in the bucket" that led to serving E with divorce papers...small "drops" to be sure, but they count all the same...
~When he bought flower/plants for the FL place, his preferences were always chosen. He chose impatiens, not that I don't like them. I do, but I expressed interests that he never even acknowledged.
~His INSISTENCE that I loved to cook. Just because I was good at it was enought reason for him to sya that.
~His yapping about "fat" people, like HE wasn't fat!
~His snoring and farting- he seemed to think there was GLORY in it!
~Anger/jealousy of my being able to sleep when he couldn't
~Love= Hate........as Hate= Love
~He would not allow my kitties to be a part of me and my life without a constant battle about it! MauMau might be alive today if I had left E back then instead of later!
~I let him pry my hand and my heart from my family.
~My sum of existence became what HE wanted it to be, at threat of "losing" my nickname, which HE gave me and defined! I was afraid to be MYSELF, for fear of his losing his "Punkin"!
~I knew it was time when I realized that I had stopped singing.
2-22 I feel oddly detached today. Went for an early walk with Penny and had to run back to the bathroom. I must have eaten too much food yesterday. I'm just happy the kids weren't awake to see me having to dash to the bathroom. I must reorganize myself. Had a good week and now back to feeling like I'm in neutral all the time. :(
Anyway, here are a few from January and February of 2010
1-23 My two boys and I moved furniture today. E is freaking me out. His "favorite" uncle's funeral is today and his sister called to offer me a ride, since E is in Florida and decided he didn't have time to fly back and attend. So glad the kids didn't think I needed to actually go! I was scared that someone would stop at the house while we were there and start asking questions. My oldest suggested Xanax and I took a whole .5 pill. I want a glass of Bailey's BAD!
Outline for telling E....
~Controlling, anger, the little boy sadness like the message he left this afternoon
~I'm always on eggshells, "sorry" this and that to ward off his negative comments.
~Chaos=life to him....projects, no down-time, physically, mentally or emotionally.
~It's always his call, he sometimes says it's mine, but then critiques until things so his way
~No peace, no real play with nothing else pressing...it's wearing me out!
1-25 Finally got the nerve to tell E that we are going in opposite directions. Chickened out on telling him that I've got a lawyer ready to serve papers.
1-28 Spent a wonderful day with S. shopping and put up drapes and sheers in the dining room.
1-29 Last night a "counselor", supposedly for E, called for more info "about E, to help him". Cindy N. was the name she left and her home and cell numbers. My oldest son advised me to ask my lawyer, so I left a message for Z. S didn't think it was a bad idea to at least return the "counselor's" call. Yesterday, E also texted me "Why are you doing what you are doing?"
Got a locksmith out for new lock with one key for all of them today. E took over $9,000 out of our joint account and must have locked the AT&T account, cos I can't get in. "Boo-hoo!" :) Looks like he FINALLY changed his password to his gmail account too!
1-30 Finally getting the lighting install finished. Got the $60,000 into my personal account and put my youngest son on the account with me. Have neck, shoulder and head pain on the LEFT now. TG I have a dr appt on Monday!
1-31 Woke this morning to a gorgeous sunrise! My window faces SE and the frozen field ehond the land sparkles with snow crystals and the remainder of moisture creates a slight fog over and around the trees in the distance. I am at peace for now and will use this Sunday to remain so! :)
2-3 E messaged me to swap keys to the vehicles and I asked my son to take care of it.
He also lowered the price from $325,000 to $299,900, changed the locks and security code to make the place more "secure". I called the realtor to ask her for the codes and she said E told her not to give them to me! Another nail in E's coffin of divorce. My attorney said I can get into the house any way I can manage and there is nothing E can do about it! My youngest son wants to stay low-key and I really don't care to have to maintain the place, so I don't really care. I have some things there, but they really don't matter anymore.
2-18 My "bucket list", i.e. " more drops in the bucket" that led to serving E with divorce papers...small "drops" to be sure, but they count all the same...
~When he bought flower/plants for the FL place, his preferences were always chosen. He chose impatiens, not that I don't like them. I do, but I expressed interests that he never even acknowledged.
~His INSISTENCE that I loved to cook. Just because I was good at it was enought reason for him to sya that.
~His yapping about "fat" people, like HE wasn't fat!
~His snoring and farting- he seemed to think there was GLORY in it!
~Anger/jealousy of my being able to sleep when he couldn't
~Love= Hate........as Hate= Love
~He would not allow my kitties to be a part of me and my life without a constant battle about it! MauMau might be alive today if I had left E back then instead of later!
~I let him pry my hand and my heart from my family.
~My sum of existence became what HE wanted it to be, at threat of "losing" my nickname, which HE gave me and defined! I was afraid to be MYSELF, for fear of his losing his "Punkin"!
~I knew it was time when I realized that I had stopped singing.
2-22 I feel oddly detached today. Went for an early walk with Penny and had to run back to the bathroom. I must have eaten too much food yesterday. I'm just happy the kids weren't awake to see me having to dash to the bathroom. I must reorganize myself. Had a good week and now back to feeling like I'm in neutral all the time. :(
What is this????
I think I figured out what all this "blogging" is for. I'm using it as a form of self-help. So, this is the "Help Myself Blog", which translates the same way, as far as I'm concerned. I did have a nice dose of love from my son today though...he's showing his true sweet spirit and angel soul. He usually does, even when he's not feeling so great himself. He's been going through just as much if not more than I have been lately. His wife has been putting pressure on him to choose between her and me, his Momma. I can forgive a lot, but I will not and cannot forgive anyone hurting my son, either one of them!
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