One thing you used to do (and I must assume still do), is drive extremely aggressively and not that well when you are upset about something else.
I remember when we first got the puppy you bought when we were together for a fairly short time. We had her in that old truck of yours with us, going out to pick up something from the store, I suppose. I really don't remember why we were out on the road that night. I do know we had been working out in the shop all day and that we were both very tired. A fellow driver cut you off out on Riverside and you blew up (yes, it was wrong of him, but you WAY over-reacted. Instead of letting off a little steam by swearing at the guy (which you also indulged in), you followed him in a fit of rage, WAY too closely, noting aloud along the way that the man had a young boy in the car with him. I tried to calm you and asked why we were following and so closely. You loudly stated that the guy had to know just how stupid cutting you off was; also how dangerous to his kid his bad driving could be. I saw where this was going and wisely cuddled the puppy close and said nothing more. Even then, I knew you were unstoppable when "the mood" took you. At this point, you were actually on meds for the bi-polar disorder, but as we all know, nothing works perfectly all the time. There actually has to be some personal effort and restraint. This you did not have that night.
After about a mile, the driver who had performed the EXTREME indignity of cutting YOU off in traffic pulled into a parking lot for the ice arena. Evidently he and his boy were there to see a game. By this time, the guy knew you were after him and he drove around and around for awhile, probably hoping that you'd park and the fact that you were there at the arena was just a co-incidence. Finally, he gave up and parked his car. You pulled the truck to a halt right behind him and jumped out with that flat, grey-eyed glare you have when you are "Mr. Hyde". Striding up so that you were just on the edge of his personal space, you started cussing the guy out as he tried to say something. His boy was cowering in the car and so was I. The puppy could feel the anger and tension and she just pressed up against me and didn't even whimper.
I couldn't hear all the words, but it looked like the man at first tried to defend himself and you kept pushing yourself into his words and his space. He finally must have said he was sorry and you backed off a bit and lectured (which you are SO great at!) him on safe driving habits and the need to keep his boy safe while being driven around town.
You never brought that up again and I sure didn't, but that started a particular disinclination of mine to NOT go anywhere with you when you were over-tired.
Another time was while we were out for dinner and on our way home through town. We were married by this time and you weren't particularly tired, although it was rather late at night. We took a frontage road to get from TGI Friday's to the road you would use to drive home. The frontage road took us in front of a K-Mart and there was a stop sign for the cross street. We weren't going very fast and as we started to pass in front of the stop sign, a driver blasted through it, barely missing us and barreling on toward the K-Mart parking lot. The close call startled both of us and although it WAS close, he didn't actually hit us. You gave me a look and told me to hold on; which I promptly did, although I asked what you were going to do. Riding right up to the bumper of the guy's car and speeding up when he saw you and drove faster, we whipped around in that parking lot far too fast to ever stop if the other drive suddenly slammed on his brakes. All I could think about during the chase was that some little kid could come running out from between the cars and in front of the other car or between the two of us. You kept an angry commentary going about how that guy almost hit us and he was going to pay. I got angry because I was so scared we were going to CAUSE a really bad accident and yelled at you to stop. I intended to get out of the car and go into the store to stay out of your way. I was going to call my son to pick me up. You wouldn't stop for me, of course and when the other driver finally gave up and parked, I saw that he was a fairly young man and although he didn't LOOK particularly "rough", I saw that he was physically well able to beat you up if he though he needed to. That was when my thoughts went to how late it really was and how there was nobody outside the store at the moment.
Luckily, the guy was feeling very guilty for running that stop sign and almost hitting us. He apologized and stood quietly while you gave him your requisite "speech" about safety driving cars, then you and he actually shook hands.
I was steaming mad when you got back into our car and I launched into the reasons why that was stupid to follow a person after a situation like that.
One, it was late at night and the person in the other car could be as aggressive and angry as YOU were and beat the pulp out of you with nobody around but me.
Two, there could have been more people in the car and they could have been in the mood to gang up against you.
Three, I was there with you and you held NO concern for MY safety at all! The fact that I had to hold on hard to keep from hitting my head on the passenger window while you rammed the car all around and then sit in the car while you potentially approaching a heated argument with a stranger who might have been a younger version of you didn't enter your mind, let alone that the car COULD have been filled with younger men in pursuit of some entertainment in the form of a fight.
What right did you have to lecture about safe driving????
Showing posts with label dance me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dance me. Show all posts
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Hard copy writings of 1-3-2010
I wish I hadn't lost my journal on my hard drive.... :(
Things to expand upon
-Fear of his anger
-Dislike of negativity
-Feeling of being his "worker", not his wife
-His consistent use of "the wife" instead of my NAME!
-His alienation of friends willfully, because he believes them to be "after" him or ignoring him when they are just busy (like he is) or misinformed (he won't try to talk and set anything straight).
When we first met, he was getting therapy with a social worker, then a psych doctor. He saw the doctor for a few years, then got thrown out of his office (THAT was embarrassing, cos I was with him). This was after E handled a billing dispute by verbally abusing the doctor's office staff. I was NOT allowed to speak during this and was told "come on, we're leaving".
I suggested couples counseling and he refused directly three times, saying "it never works". (How can he know that, since he never tried it????)
I continued therapy and he went with me ONCE. I have tried to change my way of handling his verbal/mental abuse. My therapy got me to where I didn't break down into tears when he was abusive, only to have him yell at me to stop crying in the first year or two to walking away from his tirades and trying to communicate with him when he calmed down. (This did not work more often than not, but I tried)
Explanation of the gun/tractor incident;
One beautiful sunny day, I saw one of my barn cats running from the dog. I yelled at the dog to make her stop and E got angry because he had seen the cat go after the dog earlier. He got SO angry with ME that he went to the garage and got his loaded gun from behind the door and pointed it at my cat, saying he'd take care of the problem. He was upset because of my "double standard", but he KNEW that I hadn't seen the cat go after the dog! I pushed the gun barrel down and away (the proper procedure) and then he yelled that I should NEVER touch a loaded gun. I yelled back that he could not shoot the cat just because of a misunderstanding of mine. If he had just explained in a normal way, I would have just separated the dog and cat and not said a word! He insisted that I apologize to the dog, who had forgotten the entire incident by then and was off wandering in the barn.
After this, he wouldn't talk the situation out and got on the tractor to plow the garden. I wanted to talk and get the incident out into the open so that we could go on without resentment, but he was still closed up and angry (it always showed in his face and eyes). I stood in front of the tractor and said I wanted to talk. He said I'd better get out of the way or he'd "run me over". By then, I was mad enough to tell him to go ahead and see where THAT got him! Of course I'm still here, so he didn't...but he also would not talk to me for days and that incident never got resolved between us.
Explanation of the "chum-punch" in my bad shoulder that he threw because of a leftover piece of meat-
We had gone with his sister and her husband to a nice restaurant the night before and E had a chunk (about 2x2 inches square) of prime rib left. He had also put a lot of fat into the carry-out box...."for the dog". He didn't tell ME that he was saving the meat for his lunch, so in the morning I gave the whole contents to the dog when I went out to feed the animals. E didn't notice until lunchtime and I was cleaning out my truck when he stormed up to the garage with that black cloud on his face and asked if I had given his meat to the dog with the fat. I said yes, I had and he started to put some force into a closed fist punch to my shoulder. Thankfully, he pulled some of the force at the last moment, but it was my shoulder with the torn rotator cuff that I have chronic pain with and it HURT. I was shocked that he had even touched me in anger like that and got VERY angry. He stormed off (silent treatment again for a couple of weeks) and I was so upset that I sent emails to my daughter in law and his sister about what happened. Both of THEM were appalled and I was implored by my daughter in law to move out to CA with them...."we can be happy". E's sister was upset that this had happened, but of course she never interfered with E because she was afraid that he wouldn't talk to her or see her, so I got no support from that quarter. Good thing I didn't move out to CA, because I'm sure that would have ended up just like what happened HERE when I finally did move out and I counted on my son and daughter in law for a place to live and emotional support. When I got blamed for being so "fragile", while she harbored resentment and anger for months without confronting it or me. Yeah, I'm fragile.....who wouldn't be after living with a monster for all that time? She won't admit SHE is fragile and has a problem...she's just proud of being a "smart chick". Well, S......"Smart is as smart DOES"!
Things to expand upon
-Fear of his anger
-Dislike of negativity
-Feeling of being his "worker", not his wife
-His consistent use of "the wife" instead of my NAME!
-His alienation of friends willfully, because he believes them to be "after" him or ignoring him when they are just busy (like he is) or misinformed (he won't try to talk and set anything straight).
When we first met, he was getting therapy with a social worker, then a psych doctor. He saw the doctor for a few years, then got thrown out of his office (THAT was embarrassing, cos I was with him). This was after E handled a billing dispute by verbally abusing the doctor's office staff. I was NOT allowed to speak during this and was told "come on, we're leaving".
I suggested couples counseling and he refused directly three times, saying "it never works". (How can he know that, since he never tried it????)
I continued therapy and he went with me ONCE. I have tried to change my way of handling his verbal/mental abuse. My therapy got me to where I didn't break down into tears when he was abusive, only to have him yell at me to stop crying in the first year or two to walking away from his tirades and trying to communicate with him when he calmed down. (This did not work more often than not, but I tried)
Explanation of the gun/tractor incident;
One beautiful sunny day, I saw one of my barn cats running from the dog. I yelled at the dog to make her stop and E got angry because he had seen the cat go after the dog earlier. He got SO angry with ME that he went to the garage and got his loaded gun from behind the door and pointed it at my cat, saying he'd take care of the problem. He was upset because of my "double standard", but he KNEW that I hadn't seen the cat go after the dog! I pushed the gun barrel down and away (the proper procedure) and then he yelled that I should NEVER touch a loaded gun. I yelled back that he could not shoot the cat just because of a misunderstanding of mine. If he had just explained in a normal way, I would have just separated the dog and cat and not said a word! He insisted that I apologize to the dog, who had forgotten the entire incident by then and was off wandering in the barn.
After this, he wouldn't talk the situation out and got on the tractor to plow the garden. I wanted to talk and get the incident out into the open so that we could go on without resentment, but he was still closed up and angry (it always showed in his face and eyes). I stood in front of the tractor and said I wanted to talk. He said I'd better get out of the way or he'd "run me over". By then, I was mad enough to tell him to go ahead and see where THAT got him! Of course I'm still here, so he didn't...but he also would not talk to me for days and that incident never got resolved between us.
Explanation of the "chum-punch" in my bad shoulder that he threw because of a leftover piece of meat-
We had gone with his sister and her husband to a nice restaurant the night before and E had a chunk (about 2x2 inches square) of prime rib left. He had also put a lot of fat into the carry-out box...."for the dog". He didn't tell ME that he was saving the meat for his lunch, so in the morning I gave the whole contents to the dog when I went out to feed the animals. E didn't notice until lunchtime and I was cleaning out my truck when he stormed up to the garage with that black cloud on his face and asked if I had given his meat to the dog with the fat. I said yes, I had and he started to put some force into a closed fist punch to my shoulder. Thankfully, he pulled some of the force at the last moment, but it was my shoulder with the torn rotator cuff that I have chronic pain with and it HURT. I was shocked that he had even touched me in anger like that and got VERY angry. He stormed off (silent treatment again for a couple of weeks) and I was so upset that I sent emails to my daughter in law and his sister about what happened. Both of THEM were appalled and I was implored by my daughter in law to move out to CA with them...."we can be happy". E's sister was upset that this had happened, but of course she never interfered with E because she was afraid that he wouldn't talk to her or see her, so I got no support from that quarter. Good thing I didn't move out to CA, because I'm sure that would have ended up just like what happened HERE when I finally did move out and I counted on my son and daughter in law for a place to live and emotional support. When I got blamed for being so "fragile", while she harbored resentment and anger for months without confronting it or me. Yeah, I'm fragile.....who wouldn't be after living with a monster for all that time? She won't admit SHE is fragile and has a problem...she's just proud of being a "smart chick". Well, S......"Smart is as smart DOES"!
Venting on a legal pad ~ 5-20-2005
Some more "hard copy"....
So...ALL the chores are "thrown off" onto you, huh? Pthft!
Sick and f-ing tired of your holier than thou ways....
You have NOTHING to complain about that you did not create for yourself, E!
I can't do anything to suit you, so why even try?
You are sloppy, disorganized, driven by manic "get rich quick" ideas.
One moment you tell me to "smell the roses".....the next moment, you tell me "you don't do enough"!
F- YOU ES!
You don't even understand what's going on. You just BLAME OTHERS!
So...ALL the chores are "thrown off" onto you, huh? Pthft!
Sick and f-ing tired of your holier than thou ways....
You have NOTHING to complain about that you did not create for yourself, E!
I can't do anything to suit you, so why even try?
You are sloppy, disorganized, driven by manic "get rich quick" ideas.
One moment you tell me to "smell the roses".....the next moment, you tell me "you don't do enough"!
F- YOU ES!
You don't even understand what's going on. You just BLAME OTHERS!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
WOW! I can just SEE my hectic thoughts going on way back in 2005...
3-7-2005
Today~
The usual, I can't be a little tired and short....BUT, if HE is, I'm supposed to just take it.
Errant text message came to his phone (a wrong number). What does E say? "Eric did it", "seems like something he'd do".
Maybe, maybe not...but speculation and assumption is the INSTANT response (for him)
Every hang up phone call used to be his ex....for years, she's going to BOTHER? Maybe, maybe not....
E always finds a scapegoat without consideration...BUT, if he is made the scapegoat? HORRORS!
He hears things wrong, even his sister has said that....but he CAN'T be wrong, he HEARD it!
The problem is that he may hear, but he often doesn't LISTEN! (I remember the ONE time I told him that to his face. OMG....he blew up and I got the silent treatment and evil looks for a couple of weeks.)
I bring up something that bothers me and I'm "always complaining & bitching...". He brings up something that bothers HIM and I'm supposed to agree wholeheartedly. HE is the one who's always picking at everything and most often doesn't have anything positive to say.
He is always analyzing everything other people do and say with having been in their shoes or at LEAST knowing the whole story or all the facts. I've stood right next to him and heard him "fill in the blanks" as he sees it and when confronted about it, he insists that he is CORRECT!
He doesn't like himself although he frequently comes off as a puffy pigeon. "Know quite a bit about most things", you know......
E gripes about the way I do things, organize or whatever, but he's got an unholy mess and can't find things. (Sometimes I lost them or threw them away or put them in the "wrong place", he says....)
How can there BE a "wrong place" when he never puts things away????
E will NOT take a n extra couple of minutes to put stuff away and straighten up, sweep or whatever...
BUT, he's got plenty of time to spend 45 minutes PLUS to find something that SHOULD have just been put away. He lets the mess go until it takes ALL DAY to pick up. How's that for Mr. "You don't organize the kitchen right...I would think it would be this way"...and on and on and on.....INTO INFINITY!
Today~
The usual, I can't be a little tired and short....BUT, if HE is, I'm supposed to just take it.
Errant text message came to his phone (a wrong number). What does E say? "Eric did it", "seems like something he'd do".
Maybe, maybe not...but speculation and assumption is the INSTANT response (for him)
Every hang up phone call used to be his ex....for years, she's going to BOTHER? Maybe, maybe not....
E always finds a scapegoat without consideration...BUT, if he is made the scapegoat? HORRORS!
He hears things wrong, even his sister has said that....but he CAN'T be wrong, he HEARD it!
The problem is that he may hear, but he often doesn't LISTEN! (I remember the ONE time I told him that to his face. OMG....he blew up and I got the silent treatment and evil looks for a couple of weeks.)
I bring up something that bothers me and I'm "always complaining & bitching...". He brings up something that bothers HIM and I'm supposed to agree wholeheartedly. HE is the one who's always picking at everything and most often doesn't have anything positive to say.
He is always analyzing everything other people do and say with having been in their shoes or at LEAST knowing the whole story or all the facts. I've stood right next to him and heard him "fill in the blanks" as he sees it and when confronted about it, he insists that he is CORRECT!
He doesn't like himself although he frequently comes off as a puffy pigeon. "Know quite a bit about most things", you know......
E gripes about the way I do things, organize or whatever, but he's got an unholy mess and can't find things. (Sometimes I lost them or threw them away or put them in the "wrong place", he says....)
How can there BE a "wrong place" when he never puts things away????
E will NOT take a n extra couple of minutes to put stuff away and straighten up, sweep or whatever...
BUT, he's got plenty of time to spend 45 minutes PLUS to find something that SHOULD have just been put away. He lets the mess go until it takes ALL DAY to pick up. How's that for Mr. "You don't organize the kitchen right...I would think it would be this way"...and on and on and on.....INTO INFINITY!
Hard writings of 2005
3-7-05 (On a yellow legal pad)
Yesterday ~ Full scale blow up; I got tired and gave back what I got; bad mess; Dad upset (should NOT have been!)
I remember this day. It was my Dad's birthday and E didn't want to even go over there and say Happy Birthday to the man who treated him like a son. Dad treated Ed better than E's own Dad did! I blew up and drove off, scattering gravel. An hour or so after I arrived at my father's house, we were sitting at the kitchen table and E came in. He told Dad that he had "better come over and make sure no lies were told". My Dad put up his hand and told E that "my daughter has never spoken one word against you". That shut E down cold. I smiled (very coldly) and told him that I didn't tell Dad about how badly his son-in-law had behaved and had made up an excuse for him (just like I always had). E kept on and threatened me, "you are pushing toward divorce!". I smiled very warmly then and told him fine. He blustered on a bit and I got up and told him to get the hell out of my father's house. E then left and I took a couple of hours trying to make my Dad feel better. It really upset him to see that and it was not necessary at all. I was not intended to tell Dad ANYTHING of E's behavior, but E had to blunder in and make everyone see what a jerk he can be.
Yesterday ~ Full scale blow up; I got tired and gave back what I got; bad mess; Dad upset (should NOT have been!)
I remember this day. It was my Dad's birthday and E didn't want to even go over there and say Happy Birthday to the man who treated him like a son. Dad treated Ed better than E's own Dad did! I blew up and drove off, scattering gravel. An hour or so after I arrived at my father's house, we were sitting at the kitchen table and E came in. He told Dad that he had "better come over and make sure no lies were told". My Dad put up his hand and told E that "my daughter has never spoken one word against you". That shut E down cold. I smiled (very coldly) and told him that I didn't tell Dad about how badly his son-in-law had behaved and had made up an excuse for him (just like I always had). E kept on and threatened me, "you are pushing toward divorce!". I smiled very warmly then and told him fine. He blustered on a bit and I got up and told him to get the hell out of my father's house. E then left and I took a couple of hours trying to make my Dad feel better. It really upset him to see that and it was not necessary at all. I was not intended to tell Dad ANYTHING of E's behavior, but E had to blunder in and make everyone see what a jerk he can be.
Codependent ~ Just another label?
I've been studying like mad everything I can get my hands on about codependency and its symptoms, cause, etc., ad infinitum. Seems to me that this is just another label or "excuse" for what comes naturally to some people. I've read SO much, talked about it in therapy and hyper-analyzed myself to distraction. Just the WORD gets my "dander up", as Mom used to say.
Found some more "writings" of mine own and am making up a file of them after I record them here. After my demise, either timely or untimely, the people I leave behind can either read them all or shred them. My only request is that they be recycled, please....
Found some more "writings" of mine own and am making up a file of them after I record them here. After my demise, either timely or untimely, the people I leave behind can either read them all or shred them. My only request is that they be recycled, please....
Friday, August 5, 2011
Found another notebook...
This one was obviously written after I filed the divorce papers and had moved out!
Will I be called upon for a statement re: E and our marriage?
Points~
- Before we were married and for the first few years, E was on depression meds and going for therapy, with and without me
-After he broke his back (he FORGOT the heating and cooling guys had TOLD him that they had taken out a piece of the scaffolding to put in venting. It was E's mistake that caused him to fall and I was his caretaker AND paid the bills, then went back to work when he was well enough.
-While my Mom was dying...E's anger about the way I was packaging an antique sled I had sold on eBay. He didn't ask me how I was planning to do it, just derided the way he SAW (I hadn't finished) and he wouldn't allow me to take care of my own project and its details. I was already upset over Mom and E's nastiness caused me to completely break down crying. I called Susie and Dar...when they came over, they saw him and how he was immediately. They hadn't seen him in anything but his "charming" mode before that.
-I called E's sister about the "disagreement" and all she could say was "E has issues"....like I didn't KNOW that! DUH! Turns out that E had called her husband and J told him to "get to a marriage counselor right away". LOL....I asked E several times to go with me and his answer "that never works" is very telling...since he's never been to one!
-My birthday...we were insulating the new attic and he hadn't said a word to me about it being my birthday. Then I didn't read his mind about the laying of the insulation. ANGER! I left him to himself and the insulation, then later he took me to buy a card for me while I stood in another aisle! He also bought a keychain for me and we went to dinner. I didn't need a card or a gift or dinner....all I wanted was a hug, some kindness and a "happy birthday" maybe.....
-E "chum-punched" my bad shoulder hard regarding a 2"x2" chunk of leftover meat that I gave to the dog. He "wanted to have it for lunch". We had gone out to dinner the night before and since he put the chunk of meat into the box we put the fat into for the dog, I figured it was intended for her too. I guess I was wrong.
-E allowed my cat, Apollo, to get lost while I was at work one day. E had "gotten busy" and took his eye off Pollo. I had to leave work to go home and find my little boy because E "had to go to work". Pollo came right out for me....
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More notes from the next page....
For attorney appointment of 6/9/2011
FLA house not sold?!?! How does E's attorney not know???
MC house- E's "value" pre-addition was $60,000 to $80,000
My monetary contribution to the addition was $106,000 from the sale of my OWN house
We BOTH worked on the addition physically. We both planned the addition together. My legal counsel HAS all the "proof" that I was able to get re: MY $$$ into the addition
Auction of marital property???? (per E when I picked up my pre-marital furniture) How much? Where is the money? Also, E called my oldest son the very next day and told him that he had sold my pre-marital furniture with the house and if he doesn't have it there, he'll have to come up with $1500. Since I had given the stuff to G, I told my son to ask him. G let it go and my son actually went out and HELPED E put it back. Since it was MY pre-marital furniture that he had NO RIGHT (according to my attorney) to sell, shouldn't I get that money???
I understand this forgiveness stuff of ACIM and NA, but REALLY!!!!
Judge "might" consider value increase as marital?!?! My money, work and time was there as well as E's I quit my good job at UPS to be General Contractor for the addition (E's idea!).
If this LENGTHY process is not a continuance of E's emotional/mental abuse of me, what is it?? He's changed lawyers FOUR times!
Does it even matter WHY I sued for divorce? (Mental/emotion cruelty)
Dad's house- E demanded to be allowed to work on Dad's house to "increase" the value....
I was offered $68,000 BEFORE I had to gut the house of carpet and get rid of all Dad's things. I ended up with $70,000. NO VALUE INCREASE!!! Plus tons of physical labor on my account because E didn't even start on the house for MONTHS! I paid taxes and utilities months longer than needed. The first offer was to close when I like and I wouldn't have had to do anyting but to take out what I wanted from the house. E referred to the work on Dad's house as "practice" for MORE improvements to the MC house before we tried to sell it. He also used my inheritance $$$ for supplies (coerced me into it).
About the paralegal....does she communicate ANYTHING that I tell her about the $$$'s?? I have had to repeat and supply the same documents more times that I care to count.
Had to pay for a rewrite that was NOT my mistake. I told the paralegal which vehicle was mine and it's on the initial interrogatory.
Can we move this along??? E's attorney should be "caught up" by now?!?!
PLEASE get both depo's done before the next conference! This is RIDICULOUS!
Ask strongly for AT LEAST part of my attorney fees!!!
Also....I do NOT appreciate the comment that the paralegal made regarding how many clients there are. An attorney should NOT take on more clients than he/she can handle fairly. At his rates, he and his paralegal should at least communicate effectively and move along at a respectable pace!
Will I be called upon for a statement re: E and our marriage?
Points~
- Before we were married and for the first few years, E was on depression meds and going for therapy, with and without me
-After he broke his back (he FORGOT the heating and cooling guys had TOLD him that they had taken out a piece of the scaffolding to put in venting. It was E's mistake that caused him to fall and I was his caretaker AND paid the bills, then went back to work when he was well enough.
-While my Mom was dying...E's anger about the way I was packaging an antique sled I had sold on eBay. He didn't ask me how I was planning to do it, just derided the way he SAW (I hadn't finished) and he wouldn't allow me to take care of my own project and its details. I was already upset over Mom and E's nastiness caused me to completely break down crying. I called Susie and Dar...when they came over, they saw him and how he was immediately. They hadn't seen him in anything but his "charming" mode before that.
-I called E's sister about the "disagreement" and all she could say was "E has issues"....like I didn't KNOW that! DUH! Turns out that E had called her husband and J told him to "get to a marriage counselor right away". LOL....I asked E several times to go with me and his answer "that never works" is very telling...since he's never been to one!
-My birthday...we were insulating the new attic and he hadn't said a word to me about it being my birthday. Then I didn't read his mind about the laying of the insulation. ANGER! I left him to himself and the insulation, then later he took me to buy a card for me while I stood in another aisle! He also bought a keychain for me and we went to dinner. I didn't need a card or a gift or dinner....all I wanted was a hug, some kindness and a "happy birthday" maybe.....
-E "chum-punched" my bad shoulder hard regarding a 2"x2" chunk of leftover meat that I gave to the dog. He "wanted to have it for lunch". We had gone out to dinner the night before and since he put the chunk of meat into the box we put the fat into for the dog, I figured it was intended for her too. I guess I was wrong.
-E allowed my cat, Apollo, to get lost while I was at work one day. E had "gotten busy" and took his eye off Pollo. I had to leave work to go home and find my little boy because E "had to go to work". Pollo came right out for me....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More notes from the next page....
For attorney appointment of 6/9/2011
FLA house not sold?!?! How does E's attorney not know???
MC house- E's "value" pre-addition was $60,000 to $80,000
My monetary contribution to the addition was $106,000 from the sale of my OWN house
We BOTH worked on the addition physically. We both planned the addition together. My legal counsel HAS all the "proof" that I was able to get re: MY $$$ into the addition
Auction of marital property???? (per E when I picked up my pre-marital furniture) How much? Where is the money? Also, E called my oldest son the very next day and told him that he had sold my pre-marital furniture with the house and if he doesn't have it there, he'll have to come up with $1500. Since I had given the stuff to G, I told my son to ask him. G let it go and my son actually went out and HELPED E put it back. Since it was MY pre-marital furniture that he had NO RIGHT (according to my attorney) to sell, shouldn't I get that money???
I understand this forgiveness stuff of ACIM and NA, but REALLY!!!!
Judge "might" consider value increase as marital?!?! My money, work and time was there as well as E's I quit my good job at UPS to be General Contractor for the addition (E's idea!).
If this LENGTHY process is not a continuance of E's emotional/mental abuse of me, what is it?? He's changed lawyers FOUR times!
Does it even matter WHY I sued for divorce? (Mental/emotion cruelty)
Dad's house- E demanded to be allowed to work on Dad's house to "increase" the value....
I was offered $68,000 BEFORE I had to gut the house of carpet and get rid of all Dad's things. I ended up with $70,000. NO VALUE INCREASE!!! Plus tons of physical labor on my account because E didn't even start on the house for MONTHS! I paid taxes and utilities months longer than needed. The first offer was to close when I like and I wouldn't have had to do anyting but to take out what I wanted from the house. E referred to the work on Dad's house as "practice" for MORE improvements to the MC house before we tried to sell it. He also used my inheritance $$$ for supplies (coerced me into it).
About the paralegal....does she communicate ANYTHING that I tell her about the $$$'s?? I have had to repeat and supply the same documents more times that I care to count.
Had to pay for a rewrite that was NOT my mistake. I told the paralegal which vehicle was mine and it's on the initial interrogatory.
Can we move this along??? E's attorney should be "caught up" by now?!?!
PLEASE get both depo's done before the next conference! This is RIDICULOUS!
Ask strongly for AT LEAST part of my attorney fees!!!
Also....I do NOT appreciate the comment that the paralegal made regarding how many clients there are. An attorney should NOT take on more clients than he/she can handle fairly. At his rates, he and his paralegal should at least communicate effectively and move along at a respectable pace!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Trying a new idea that came to me at 4am...
I'm going to record some hard-copy writings I've done over the years. Unfortunately, there are some important ones missing, as I believed I must destroy them before my husband found them. I sure wish I hadn't done that....
Anyway, here are a few from January and February of 2010
1-23 My two boys and I moved furniture today. E is freaking me out. His "favorite" uncle's funeral is today and his sister called to offer me a ride, since E is in Florida and decided he didn't have time to fly back and attend. So glad the kids didn't think I needed to actually go! I was scared that someone would stop at the house while we were there and start asking questions. My oldest suggested Xanax and I took a whole .5 pill. I want a glass of Bailey's BAD!
Outline for telling E....
~Controlling, anger, the little boy sadness like the message he left this afternoon
~I'm always on eggshells, "sorry" this and that to ward off his negative comments.
~Chaos=life to him....projects, no down-time, physically, mentally or emotionally.
~It's always his call, he sometimes says it's mine, but then critiques until things so his way
~No peace, no real play with nothing else pressing...it's wearing me out!
1-25 Finally got the nerve to tell E that we are going in opposite directions. Chickened out on telling him that I've got a lawyer ready to serve papers.
1-28 Spent a wonderful day with S. shopping and put up drapes and sheers in the dining room.
1-29 Last night a "counselor", supposedly for E, called for more info "about E, to help him". Cindy N. was the name she left and her home and cell numbers. My oldest son advised me to ask my lawyer, so I left a message for Z. S didn't think it was a bad idea to at least return the "counselor's" call. Yesterday, E also texted me "Why are you doing what you are doing?"
Got a locksmith out for new lock with one key for all of them today. E took over $9,000 out of our joint account and must have locked the AT&T account, cos I can't get in. "Boo-hoo!" :) Looks like he FINALLY changed his password to his gmail account too!
1-30 Finally getting the lighting install finished. Got the $60,000 into my personal account and put my youngest son on the account with me. Have neck, shoulder and head pain on the LEFT now. TG I have a dr appt on Monday!
1-31 Woke this morning to a gorgeous sunrise! My window faces SE and the frozen field ehond the land sparkles with snow crystals and the remainder of moisture creates a slight fog over and around the trees in the distance. I am at peace for now and will use this Sunday to remain so! :)
2-3 E messaged me to swap keys to the vehicles and I asked my son to take care of it.
He also lowered the price from $325,000 to $299,900, changed the locks and security code to make the place more "secure". I called the realtor to ask her for the codes and she said E told her not to give them to me! Another nail in E's coffin of divorce. My attorney said I can get into the house any way I can manage and there is nothing E can do about it! My youngest son wants to stay low-key and I really don't care to have to maintain the place, so I don't really care. I have some things there, but they really don't matter anymore.
2-18 My "bucket list", i.e. " more drops in the bucket" that led to serving E with divorce papers...small "drops" to be sure, but they count all the same...
~When he bought flower/plants for the FL place, his preferences were always chosen. He chose impatiens, not that I don't like them. I do, but I expressed interests that he never even acknowledged.
~His INSISTENCE that I loved to cook. Just because I was good at it was enought reason for him to sya that.
~His yapping about "fat" people, like HE wasn't fat!
~His snoring and farting- he seemed to think there was GLORY in it!
~Anger/jealousy of my being able to sleep when he couldn't
~Love= Hate........as Hate= Love
~He would not allow my kitties to be a part of me and my life without a constant battle about it! MauMau might be alive today if I had left E back then instead of later!
~I let him pry my hand and my heart from my family.
~My sum of existence became what HE wanted it to be, at threat of "losing" my nickname, which HE gave me and defined! I was afraid to be MYSELF, for fear of his losing his "Punkin"!
~I knew it was time when I realized that I had stopped singing.
2-22 I feel oddly detached today. Went for an early walk with Penny and had to run back to the bathroom. I must have eaten too much food yesterday. I'm just happy the kids weren't awake to see me having to dash to the bathroom. I must reorganize myself. Had a good week and now back to feeling like I'm in neutral all the time. :(
Anyway, here are a few from January and February of 2010
1-23 My two boys and I moved furniture today. E is freaking me out. His "favorite" uncle's funeral is today and his sister called to offer me a ride, since E is in Florida and decided he didn't have time to fly back and attend. So glad the kids didn't think I needed to actually go! I was scared that someone would stop at the house while we were there and start asking questions. My oldest suggested Xanax and I took a whole .5 pill. I want a glass of Bailey's BAD!
Outline for telling E....
~Controlling, anger, the little boy sadness like the message he left this afternoon
~I'm always on eggshells, "sorry" this and that to ward off his negative comments.
~Chaos=life to him....projects, no down-time, physically, mentally or emotionally.
~It's always his call, he sometimes says it's mine, but then critiques until things so his way
~No peace, no real play with nothing else pressing...it's wearing me out!
1-25 Finally got the nerve to tell E that we are going in opposite directions. Chickened out on telling him that I've got a lawyer ready to serve papers.
1-28 Spent a wonderful day with S. shopping and put up drapes and sheers in the dining room.
1-29 Last night a "counselor", supposedly for E, called for more info "about E, to help him". Cindy N. was the name she left and her home and cell numbers. My oldest son advised me to ask my lawyer, so I left a message for Z. S didn't think it was a bad idea to at least return the "counselor's" call. Yesterday, E also texted me "Why are you doing what you are doing?"
Got a locksmith out for new lock with one key for all of them today. E took over $9,000 out of our joint account and must have locked the AT&T account, cos I can't get in. "Boo-hoo!" :) Looks like he FINALLY changed his password to his gmail account too!
1-30 Finally getting the lighting install finished. Got the $60,000 into my personal account and put my youngest son on the account with me. Have neck, shoulder and head pain on the LEFT now. TG I have a dr appt on Monday!
1-31 Woke this morning to a gorgeous sunrise! My window faces SE and the frozen field ehond the land sparkles with snow crystals and the remainder of moisture creates a slight fog over and around the trees in the distance. I am at peace for now and will use this Sunday to remain so! :)
2-3 E messaged me to swap keys to the vehicles and I asked my son to take care of it.
He also lowered the price from $325,000 to $299,900, changed the locks and security code to make the place more "secure". I called the realtor to ask her for the codes and she said E told her not to give them to me! Another nail in E's coffin of divorce. My attorney said I can get into the house any way I can manage and there is nothing E can do about it! My youngest son wants to stay low-key and I really don't care to have to maintain the place, so I don't really care. I have some things there, but they really don't matter anymore.
2-18 My "bucket list", i.e. " more drops in the bucket" that led to serving E with divorce papers...small "drops" to be sure, but they count all the same...
~When he bought flower/plants for the FL place, his preferences were always chosen. He chose impatiens, not that I don't like them. I do, but I expressed interests that he never even acknowledged.
~His INSISTENCE that I loved to cook. Just because I was good at it was enought reason for him to sya that.
~His yapping about "fat" people, like HE wasn't fat!
~His snoring and farting- he seemed to think there was GLORY in it!
~Anger/jealousy of my being able to sleep when he couldn't
~Love= Hate........as Hate= Love
~He would not allow my kitties to be a part of me and my life without a constant battle about it! MauMau might be alive today if I had left E back then instead of later!
~I let him pry my hand and my heart from my family.
~My sum of existence became what HE wanted it to be, at threat of "losing" my nickname, which HE gave me and defined! I was afraid to be MYSELF, for fear of his losing his "Punkin"!
~I knew it was time when I realized that I had stopped singing.
2-22 I feel oddly detached today. Went for an early walk with Penny and had to run back to the bathroom. I must have eaten too much food yesterday. I'm just happy the kids weren't awake to see me having to dash to the bathroom. I must reorganize myself. Had a good week and now back to feeling like I'm in neutral all the time. :(
What is this????
I think I figured out what all this "blogging" is for. I'm using it as a form of self-help. So, this is the "Help Myself Blog", which translates the same way, as far as I'm concerned. I did have a nice dose of love from my son today though...he's showing his true sweet spirit and angel soul. He usually does, even when he's not feeling so great himself. He's been going through just as much if not more than I have been lately. His wife has been putting pressure on him to choose between her and me, his Momma. I can forgive a lot, but I will not and cannot forgive anyone hurting my son, either one of them!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Don't trust
I have found that trust is not to be found in most people, especially the ones who promise you the world as you need it. I have been told I could stay here for five years, if needed and since there was a problem caused by the presence of me and my pets, I'm now on the lookout for my own place. Since the divorce is not over with and doesn't look as if it will be soon, this is another hardship that was placed because I believed in something I was told a more than a year ago. Yes, I know things change....obviously. One more lesson in life.....why do I go on trusting what people say and do? Because my innate nature is a trusting one. Even when I say "are you sure?" over and over and people say "yes", things end up being a boggle of deceit and isolation.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The latest in my quest to find the end of love by dancing without end....
“I understand you a lot better than you think I do.” .....
Remember that line? It's from the movie, "Tootsie", starring Dustin Hoffman among others. Mr. Hoffman plays the part of a woman and when another man is trying to explain why he uses women the way he does to Hoffman in his female guise, that is what he tells the womanizer.
It applies to many other situations though. Like a person who insists upon helping with a situation, then suddenly decides she/he is "done" with it and you are on your own.
Remember that line? It's from the movie, "Tootsie", starring Dustin Hoffman among others. Mr. Hoffman plays the part of a woman and when another man is trying to explain why he uses women the way he does to Hoffman in his female guise, that is what he tells the womanizer.
It applies to many other situations though. Like a person who insists upon helping with a situation, then suddenly decides she/he is "done" with it and you are on your own.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Preaching and Reality
Ever notice the difference between what you SAY and what you DO? For years, you "preached" about how the law states that divorce resolution is 50/50 regarding marital property and now what are you doing? You are not the man I married, that's for sure. I guess I'm not the woman you married either, since you abused me for your own amusement in so many ways. I'm coming back though...and WILL be back to my old self soon. I have friends and family who stuck by me, even when I was agoraphobic due to your aggressive mental abuse of my mind. They are helping me to slowly regain my forward movement and reach back into the back of my mind to recover things like my love of reading, my extensive vocabulary and the arts of drawing and painting...as well as my love of nature and walking for hours alone or with friends.
You cannot reach my mind anymore and had better not come in direct or indirect contact with me. There are laws protecting me, as well as people who love me and will be there for me when needed. Unlike yourself, pushing away friends and family alike while actively seeking out things to look upon as negative...I'm reaching OUT to friends and family, telling them what happened to me during the 11 years of subtle and progressive mental and emotional abuse you dished out while seeming to be the loving husband I thought I had married. It took me about 3 years to realize you had changed and I tried and tried to get you to find help, with or without me. Instead you refused and continued to move on into the dark abyss you find yourself in now, dragging me along because I wouldn't quit trying to save you and myself, as well as our marriage.
Well, that's done now....feel free to move on with your life. I hope you find peace and happiness.
I forgive myself and you and anyone who was involved in perpetuating our descent into anger and frustration that was mutually wounding.
You cannot reach my mind anymore and had better not come in direct or indirect contact with me. There are laws protecting me, as well as people who love me and will be there for me when needed. Unlike yourself, pushing away friends and family alike while actively seeking out things to look upon as negative...I'm reaching OUT to friends and family, telling them what happened to me during the 11 years of subtle and progressive mental and emotional abuse you dished out while seeming to be the loving husband I thought I had married. It took me about 3 years to realize you had changed and I tried and tried to get you to find help, with or without me. Instead you refused and continued to move on into the dark abyss you find yourself in now, dragging me along because I wouldn't quit trying to save you and myself, as well as our marriage.
Well, that's done now....feel free to move on with your life. I hope you find peace and happiness.
I forgive myself and you and anyone who was involved in perpetuating our descent into anger and frustration that was mutually wounding.
Friday, November 26, 2010
The Beginning....
When we met, you struck me as so handsome and sweet. I was impressed by the way you listening and responding to my words. We had a glass of wine and shared things I never thought I would ever share with a first date.
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