I wish I hadn't lost my journal on my hard drive.... :(
Things to expand upon
-Fear of his anger
-Dislike of negativity
-Feeling of being his "worker", not his wife
-His consistent use of "the wife" instead of my NAME!
-His alienation of friends willfully, because he believes them to be "after" him or ignoring him when they are just busy (like he is) or misinformed (he won't try to talk and set anything straight).
When we first met, he was getting therapy with a social worker, then a psych doctor. He saw the doctor for a few years, then got thrown out of his office (THAT was embarrassing, cos I was with him). This was after E handled a billing dispute by verbally abusing the doctor's office staff. I was NOT allowed to speak during this and was told "come on, we're leaving".
I suggested couples counseling and he refused directly three times, saying "it never works". (How can he know that, since he never tried it????)
I continued therapy and he went with me ONCE. I have tried to change my way of handling his verbal/mental abuse. My therapy got me to where I didn't break down into tears when he was abusive, only to have him yell at me to stop crying in the first year or two to walking away from his tirades and trying to communicate with him when he calmed down. (This did not work more often than not, but I tried)
Explanation of the gun/tractor incident;
One beautiful sunny day, I saw one of my barn cats running from the dog. I yelled at the dog to make her stop and E got angry because he had seen the cat go after the dog earlier. He got SO angry with ME that he went to the garage and got his loaded gun from behind the door and pointed it at my cat, saying he'd take care of the problem. He was upset because of my "double standard", but he KNEW that I hadn't seen the cat go after the dog! I pushed the gun barrel down and away (the proper procedure) and then he yelled that I should NEVER touch a loaded gun. I yelled back that he could not shoot the cat just because of a misunderstanding of mine. If he had just explained in a normal way, I would have just separated the dog and cat and not said a word! He insisted that I apologize to the dog, who had forgotten the entire incident by then and was off wandering in the barn.
After this, he wouldn't talk the situation out and got on the tractor to plow the garden. I wanted to talk and get the incident out into the open so that we could go on without resentment, but he was still closed up and angry (it always showed in his face and eyes). I stood in front of the tractor and said I wanted to talk. He said I'd better get out of the way or he'd "run me over". By then, I was mad enough to tell him to go ahead and see where THAT got him! Of course I'm still here, so he didn't...but he also would not talk to me for days and that incident never got resolved between us.
Explanation of the "chum-punch" in my bad shoulder that he threw because of a leftover piece of meat-
We had gone with his sister and her husband to a nice restaurant the night before and E had a chunk (about 2x2 inches square) of prime rib left. He had also put a lot of fat into the carry-out box...."for the dog". He didn't tell ME that he was saving the meat for his lunch, so in the morning I gave the whole contents to the dog when I went out to feed the animals. E didn't notice until lunchtime and I was cleaning out my truck when he stormed up to the garage with that black cloud on his face and asked if I had given his meat to the dog with the fat. I said yes, I had and he started to put some force into a closed fist punch to my shoulder. Thankfully, he pulled some of the force at the last moment, but it was my shoulder with the torn rotator cuff that I have chronic pain with and it HURT. I was shocked that he had even touched me in anger like that and got VERY angry. He stormed off (silent treatment again for a couple of weeks) and I was so upset that I sent emails to my daughter in law and his sister about what happened. Both of THEM were appalled and I was implored by my daughter in law to move out to CA with them...."we can be happy". E's sister was upset that this had happened, but of course she never interfered with E because she was afraid that he wouldn't talk to her or see her, so I got no support from that quarter. Good thing I didn't move out to CA, because I'm sure that would have ended up just like what happened HERE when I finally did move out and I counted on my son and daughter in law for a place to live and emotional support. When I got blamed for being so "fragile", while she harbored resentment and anger for months without confronting it or me. Yeah, I'm fragile.....who wouldn't be after living with a monster for all that time? She won't admit SHE is fragile and has a problem...she's just proud of being a "smart chick". Well, S......"Smart is as smart DOES"!
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Venting on a legal pad ~ 5-20-2005
Some more "hard copy"....
So...ALL the chores are "thrown off" onto you, huh? Pthft!
Sick and f-ing tired of your holier than thou ways....
You have NOTHING to complain about that you did not create for yourself, E!
I can't do anything to suit you, so why even try?
You are sloppy, disorganized, driven by manic "get rich quick" ideas.
One moment you tell me to "smell the roses".....the next moment, you tell me "you don't do enough"!
F- YOU ES!
You don't even understand what's going on. You just BLAME OTHERS!
So...ALL the chores are "thrown off" onto you, huh? Pthft!
Sick and f-ing tired of your holier than thou ways....
You have NOTHING to complain about that you did not create for yourself, E!
I can't do anything to suit you, so why even try?
You are sloppy, disorganized, driven by manic "get rich quick" ideas.
One moment you tell me to "smell the roses".....the next moment, you tell me "you don't do enough"!
F- YOU ES!
You don't even understand what's going on. You just BLAME OTHERS!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
WOW! I can just SEE my hectic thoughts going on way back in 2005...
3-7-2005
Today~
The usual, I can't be a little tired and short....BUT, if HE is, I'm supposed to just take it.
Errant text message came to his phone (a wrong number). What does E say? "Eric did it", "seems like something he'd do".
Maybe, maybe not...but speculation and assumption is the INSTANT response (for him)
Every hang up phone call used to be his ex....for years, she's going to BOTHER? Maybe, maybe not....
E always finds a scapegoat without consideration...BUT, if he is made the scapegoat? HORRORS!
He hears things wrong, even his sister has said that....but he CAN'T be wrong, he HEARD it!
The problem is that he may hear, but he often doesn't LISTEN! (I remember the ONE time I told him that to his face. OMG....he blew up and I got the silent treatment and evil looks for a couple of weeks.)
I bring up something that bothers me and I'm "always complaining & bitching...". He brings up something that bothers HIM and I'm supposed to agree wholeheartedly. HE is the one who's always picking at everything and most often doesn't have anything positive to say.
He is always analyzing everything other people do and say with having been in their shoes or at LEAST knowing the whole story or all the facts. I've stood right next to him and heard him "fill in the blanks" as he sees it and when confronted about it, he insists that he is CORRECT!
He doesn't like himself although he frequently comes off as a puffy pigeon. "Know quite a bit about most things", you know......
E gripes about the way I do things, organize or whatever, but he's got an unholy mess and can't find things. (Sometimes I lost them or threw them away or put them in the "wrong place", he says....)
How can there BE a "wrong place" when he never puts things away????
E will NOT take a n extra couple of minutes to put stuff away and straighten up, sweep or whatever...
BUT, he's got plenty of time to spend 45 minutes PLUS to find something that SHOULD have just been put away. He lets the mess go until it takes ALL DAY to pick up. How's that for Mr. "You don't organize the kitchen right...I would think it would be this way"...and on and on and on.....INTO INFINITY!
Today~
The usual, I can't be a little tired and short....BUT, if HE is, I'm supposed to just take it.
Errant text message came to his phone (a wrong number). What does E say? "Eric did it", "seems like something he'd do".
Maybe, maybe not...but speculation and assumption is the INSTANT response (for him)
Every hang up phone call used to be his ex....for years, she's going to BOTHER? Maybe, maybe not....
E always finds a scapegoat without consideration...BUT, if he is made the scapegoat? HORRORS!
He hears things wrong, even his sister has said that....but he CAN'T be wrong, he HEARD it!
The problem is that he may hear, but he often doesn't LISTEN! (I remember the ONE time I told him that to his face. OMG....he blew up and I got the silent treatment and evil looks for a couple of weeks.)
I bring up something that bothers me and I'm "always complaining & bitching...". He brings up something that bothers HIM and I'm supposed to agree wholeheartedly. HE is the one who's always picking at everything and most often doesn't have anything positive to say.
He is always analyzing everything other people do and say with having been in their shoes or at LEAST knowing the whole story or all the facts. I've stood right next to him and heard him "fill in the blanks" as he sees it and when confronted about it, he insists that he is CORRECT!
He doesn't like himself although he frequently comes off as a puffy pigeon. "Know quite a bit about most things", you know......
E gripes about the way I do things, organize or whatever, but he's got an unholy mess and can't find things. (Sometimes I lost them or threw them away or put them in the "wrong place", he says....)
How can there BE a "wrong place" when he never puts things away????
E will NOT take a n extra couple of minutes to put stuff away and straighten up, sweep or whatever...
BUT, he's got plenty of time to spend 45 minutes PLUS to find something that SHOULD have just been put away. He lets the mess go until it takes ALL DAY to pick up. How's that for Mr. "You don't organize the kitchen right...I would think it would be this way"...and on and on and on.....INTO INFINITY!
Hard writings of 2005
3-7-05 (On a yellow legal pad)
Yesterday ~ Full scale blow up; I got tired and gave back what I got; bad mess; Dad upset (should NOT have been!)
I remember this day. It was my Dad's birthday and E didn't want to even go over there and say Happy Birthday to the man who treated him like a son. Dad treated Ed better than E's own Dad did! I blew up and drove off, scattering gravel. An hour or so after I arrived at my father's house, we were sitting at the kitchen table and E came in. He told Dad that he had "better come over and make sure no lies were told". My Dad put up his hand and told E that "my daughter has never spoken one word against you". That shut E down cold. I smiled (very coldly) and told him that I didn't tell Dad about how badly his son-in-law had behaved and had made up an excuse for him (just like I always had). E kept on and threatened me, "you are pushing toward divorce!". I smiled very warmly then and told him fine. He blustered on a bit and I got up and told him to get the hell out of my father's house. E then left and I took a couple of hours trying to make my Dad feel better. It really upset him to see that and it was not necessary at all. I was not intended to tell Dad ANYTHING of E's behavior, but E had to blunder in and make everyone see what a jerk he can be.
Yesterday ~ Full scale blow up; I got tired and gave back what I got; bad mess; Dad upset (should NOT have been!)
I remember this day. It was my Dad's birthday and E didn't want to even go over there and say Happy Birthday to the man who treated him like a son. Dad treated Ed better than E's own Dad did! I blew up and drove off, scattering gravel. An hour or so after I arrived at my father's house, we were sitting at the kitchen table and E came in. He told Dad that he had "better come over and make sure no lies were told". My Dad put up his hand and told E that "my daughter has never spoken one word against you". That shut E down cold. I smiled (very coldly) and told him that I didn't tell Dad about how badly his son-in-law had behaved and had made up an excuse for him (just like I always had). E kept on and threatened me, "you are pushing toward divorce!". I smiled very warmly then and told him fine. He blustered on a bit and I got up and told him to get the hell out of my father's house. E then left and I took a couple of hours trying to make my Dad feel better. It really upset him to see that and it was not necessary at all. I was not intended to tell Dad ANYTHING of E's behavior, but E had to blunder in and make everyone see what a jerk he can be.
Codependent ~ Just another label?
I've been studying like mad everything I can get my hands on about codependency and its symptoms, cause, etc., ad infinitum. Seems to me that this is just another label or "excuse" for what comes naturally to some people. I've read SO much, talked about it in therapy and hyper-analyzed myself to distraction. Just the WORD gets my "dander up", as Mom used to say.
Found some more "writings" of mine own and am making up a file of them after I record them here. After my demise, either timely or untimely, the people I leave behind can either read them all or shred them. My only request is that they be recycled, please....
Found some more "writings" of mine own and am making up a file of them after I record them here. After my demise, either timely or untimely, the people I leave behind can either read them all or shred them. My only request is that they be recycled, please....
Thursday, January 19, 2012
On and on it goes....
Positive thinking.....I try to keep it up, but sometimes I get swatted very hard by something (an email or letter from my attorney) and the negativity creeps in. I have a bad day or two and then I'm fine. This is so much better than it was at the beginning. I can't help but wonder how wonderful it will be when the divorce is finalized. Of course, since E won't supply needed info and cooperate with the proceedings, it makes things a bit harder. I'm sure he's coming up with all sorts of excuses, just like he always did. I used to enable that by making excuses for him. LOL...THAT is over for sure!
What does he mean by making this take so long? Does he just want to use up ALL the money we accumulated together? Does he just want to "make me suffer"? I can tell you he's already made me suffer...during out marriage. No matter what happens from now on, the suffering is over for me. I could happily live with nothing and no one after living with and dealing with his unmedicated bi-polar personality. It was SO much easier when he was taking meds and getting therapy. Not to say that it was EASY...but living with anyone takes work. I'm not easy to live with either...evidently! :(
My best friends tell me I'm wonderful, kind, caring and loving. My cats think I'm Bastet in living form, the dog thinks I'm whatever dogs think is God. BUT I KNOW...I'm human, I'm faulty and I'm a work in process. I also know that I'm doing the best I can with what I have and always have....too bad some people can't deal with that.
My new "project" during my whirly-twirly thinking sessions is about co-dependency. I'm thinking that it's a generalized label that is used TOO MUCH. It is used as an excuse mostly and I believe that is just WRONG. The label seems to allow many people to just accept themselves the way they are and stop any attempts at improvement. It also allows cruelty to others in a way. I was "put out" of my son and daughter-in-law's home after being invited to live there until my divorce was final. Everyone knew what was being taken on and after the reality set in of having a larger household with larger problems, the daughter-in-law decided she had had enough. She talked of divorce to my son, which was unkind to say the least. I had told them before this that I should just move out on my own because I was causing too many problems with them. I was told at THAT time that I should not...then shortly thereafter, was given an ultimatum. It was me or the wife from what my son said...he chose the wife. I just hope that he isn't sorry after a period of time goes by. Some of the things he says about his marriage and what his wife wants is very reminiscent of MY marriage. It's scary, but he's got to do what he thinks is right for him at the time, just like I did. Going back over it won't do any good, but I want to warn him about reliving my marriage with E when he talks about his wife and her wants/needs. Oh well...it's his life. I love him no matter what, just like I do his brother who has overcome drug addiction and is living the life of his dreams now.
What does he mean by making this take so long? Does he just want to use up ALL the money we accumulated together? Does he just want to "make me suffer"? I can tell you he's already made me suffer...during out marriage. No matter what happens from now on, the suffering is over for me. I could happily live with nothing and no one after living with and dealing with his unmedicated bi-polar personality. It was SO much easier when he was taking meds and getting therapy. Not to say that it was EASY...but living with anyone takes work. I'm not easy to live with either...evidently! :(
My best friends tell me I'm wonderful, kind, caring and loving. My cats think I'm Bastet in living form, the dog thinks I'm whatever dogs think is God. BUT I KNOW...I'm human, I'm faulty and I'm a work in process. I also know that I'm doing the best I can with what I have and always have....too bad some people can't deal with that.
My new "project" during my whirly-twirly thinking sessions is about co-dependency. I'm thinking that it's a generalized label that is used TOO MUCH. It is used as an excuse mostly and I believe that is just WRONG. The label seems to allow many people to just accept themselves the way they are and stop any attempts at improvement. It also allows cruelty to others in a way. I was "put out" of my son and daughter-in-law's home after being invited to live there until my divorce was final. Everyone knew what was being taken on and after the reality set in of having a larger household with larger problems, the daughter-in-law decided she had had enough. She talked of divorce to my son, which was unkind to say the least. I had told them before this that I should just move out on my own because I was causing too many problems with them. I was told at THAT time that I should not...then shortly thereafter, was given an ultimatum. It was me or the wife from what my son said...he chose the wife. I just hope that he isn't sorry after a period of time goes by. Some of the things he says about his marriage and what his wife wants is very reminiscent of MY marriage. It's scary, but he's got to do what he thinks is right for him at the time, just like I did. Going back over it won't do any good, but I want to warn him about reliving my marriage with E when he talks about his wife and her wants/needs. Oh well...it's his life. I love him no matter what, just like I do his brother who has overcome drug addiction and is living the life of his dreams now.
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