Do I care if anyone I know reads my posts?
Do I care if YOU do?
Do I care if anyone thinks less of me after reading my posts?
Do I care if YOU do?
The answer is NO; I am who I am meant to be and and am responsible for my OWN health and happiness! No one can MAKE me healthy and happy and no one can make YOU healthy and happy!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Only if it's paid for....LOL....
1-26-2010
You called to say that you wanted to "have a one on one" with me and a counselor that you had lined up from your workplace. That's how important all of this was to you. If it's paid for by the company, you'd get counseling. (Knowing what you've said about company doctors, that was NOT reassuring! Also, I had tried to encourage you for years to go with me and you said "that never works", and refused to even consider it.)
I didn't say much except that I needed space to think and you finally relented about the appointment, but continued to chat about this and that (insulating the attic, choice of windows and paint, etc). You were pleasant enough, but this was very annoying since I already told you I needed space. Maybe if you listened and HEARD instead of just "listening" and enjoying your own voice, you'd have more and longer lasting relationships in all aspects of your life!
You called to say that you wanted to "have a one on one" with me and a counselor that you had lined up from your workplace. That's how important all of this was to you. If it's paid for by the company, you'd get counseling. (Knowing what you've said about company doctors, that was NOT reassuring! Also, I had tried to encourage you for years to go with me and you said "that never works", and refused to even consider it.)
I didn't say much except that I needed space to think and you finally relented about the appointment, but continued to chat about this and that (insulating the attic, choice of windows and paint, etc). You were pleasant enough, but this was very annoying since I already told you I needed space. Maybe if you listened and HEARD instead of just "listening" and enjoying your own voice, you'd have more and longer lasting relationships in all aspects of your life!
A call from you on 1/5/2010
You had been in Florida for a while and gave me a call here in the Great White North to say that a saleswoman at the cell phone store noticed a particular contact on your phone. She asked you, "is that your wife?" and you replied that it was, with all the usual endearments attached to the nickname when you are in a good mood.
I stated that you don't always call me that (meaning your bad mood terms of NON-endearment, i.e abuse) and you totally ignored my statement....no apology or asking what I meant. You moved on to the next topic of your choice, as usual.....
I stated that you don't always call me that (meaning your bad mood terms of NON-endearment, i.e abuse) and you totally ignored my statement....no apology or asking what I meant. You moved on to the next topic of your choice, as usual.....
Monday, January 30, 2012
More of my hard copy "notes" while still with you..
Packrat who does not finish ANYTHING!
Wants the garage completely swept out and free of leaves, etc., but tracks EVERYTHING into the house!
Completely negative about anyone else's driving and he's the one with all the accidents!
I'm afraid to drive at all with him...his discontent makes me too nervous.
I'm afraid to ride with him too, because of his aggravated misuse of vehicles in the past.
He was angry at me for a mistake in driving directions by Mapquest while we were driving to Florida and there was no apology when I explained to him that I was just following the directions given.
After I returned to Illinois, WELL after the trip to FL, he finally did apologize for his "monstrous behavior". I explained to him that this is one of the reasons why I thought we would benefit from counseling and he refused...AGAIN.
Frequently talks about doing "something nasty to the ex"...meaning his ex-wife. Examples he brought up..."dump chemicals like battery acid on her Mom's lawn". He said he liked her Mom fine! He still believes she is watching him and "doing things" to him!
His agenda is first, no other...no talking, doing, etc....
Elbowed me hard in the middle of the back once because I said something disparaging about myself.
He left a "hot" wire uncovered in the basement behind leftover wood and lots of wood dust!
He had months to get rid of his old stuff that he didn't want to take to Florida, but he left it all for me to dispose of....and I'd better "get something" for it, too!
He talks about himself as having an attitude of selflessness and HIS work is ALWAYS quality. Always talking down about others whom he doesn't even know. HIS opinion COUNTS...(only his).
Expects others to fix his mistakes.
He changes stories often to suit himself, telling others that he is reciting "verbatim"...WRONG!
Saw ComEd crew topping trees, he was going out there with a loaded gun, which I refused to get for him.
He calls himself a "Christian man", but he doesn't practice any form I've ever heard of in church!
Demeans my job and my paycheck for any job I've had.
Told me of "hiding" assets from his ex wife.
Threatens me with divorce (my Dad's birthday)
My stomach in a constant uproar until he's gone, nervous, "stuck", unable to concentrate.
Complained of my charitable donations with MY inheritance from MY Dad.."do you think we can afford that right now?".
He can spend all he wants on whatever he wants whenever he wants on things he hardly (or never) uses and then doesn't take them back to the store; just lets them sit and become totally useless.
He hates the neighbor (Jim) due to a silly mistake that Jim made remarking about property taxes and getting our property reassessed. Blames dead leaves on pine trees on Jim...remarking on "a spray pattern".
Wants the garage completely swept out and free of leaves, etc., but tracks EVERYTHING into the house!
Completely negative about anyone else's driving and he's the one with all the accidents!
I'm afraid to drive at all with him...his discontent makes me too nervous.
I'm afraid to ride with him too, because of his aggravated misuse of vehicles in the past.
He was angry at me for a mistake in driving directions by Mapquest while we were driving to Florida and there was no apology when I explained to him that I was just following the directions given.
After I returned to Illinois, WELL after the trip to FL, he finally did apologize for his "monstrous behavior". I explained to him that this is one of the reasons why I thought we would benefit from counseling and he refused...AGAIN.
Frequently talks about doing "something nasty to the ex"...meaning his ex-wife. Examples he brought up..."dump chemicals like battery acid on her Mom's lawn". He said he liked her Mom fine! He still believes she is watching him and "doing things" to him!
His agenda is first, no other...no talking, doing, etc....
Elbowed me hard in the middle of the back once because I said something disparaging about myself.
He left a "hot" wire uncovered in the basement behind leftover wood and lots of wood dust!
He had months to get rid of his old stuff that he didn't want to take to Florida, but he left it all for me to dispose of....and I'd better "get something" for it, too!
He talks about himself as having an attitude of selflessness and HIS work is ALWAYS quality. Always talking down about others whom he doesn't even know. HIS opinion COUNTS...(only his).
Expects others to fix his mistakes.
He changes stories often to suit himself, telling others that he is reciting "verbatim"...WRONG!
Saw ComEd crew topping trees, he was going out there with a loaded gun, which I refused to get for him.
He calls himself a "Christian man", but he doesn't practice any form I've ever heard of in church!
Demeans my job and my paycheck for any job I've had.
Told me of "hiding" assets from his ex wife.
Threatens me with divorce (my Dad's birthday)
My stomach in a constant uproar until he's gone, nervous, "stuck", unable to concentrate.
Complained of my charitable donations with MY inheritance from MY Dad.."do you think we can afford that right now?".
He can spend all he wants on whatever he wants whenever he wants on things he hardly (or never) uses and then doesn't take them back to the store; just lets them sit and become totally useless.
He hates the neighbor (Jim) due to a silly mistake that Jim made remarking about property taxes and getting our property reassessed. Blames dead leaves on pine trees on Jim...remarking on "a spray pattern".
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I Have Learned
I have learned two things for certain over the years. Nothing is for certain and there are always strings attached.
All "they" do is give it to you...
It's not other people, it's not your boss or your enemies or the kid at the supermarket.
It's you.
You ask for it, [ES], and all they do is give it to you.
* from "The Overton Window" by Glenn Beck
It's you.
You ask for it, [ES], and all they do is give it to you.
* from "The Overton Window" by Glenn Beck
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Driving experiences....
One thing you used to do (and I must assume still do), is drive extremely aggressively and not that well when you are upset about something else.
I remember when we first got the puppy you bought when we were together for a fairly short time. We had her in that old truck of yours with us, going out to pick up something from the store, I suppose. I really don't remember why we were out on the road that night. I do know we had been working out in the shop all day and that we were both very tired. A fellow driver cut you off out on Riverside and you blew up (yes, it was wrong of him, but you WAY over-reacted. Instead of letting off a little steam by swearing at the guy (which you also indulged in), you followed him in a fit of rage, WAY too closely, noting aloud along the way that the man had a young boy in the car with him. I tried to calm you and asked why we were following and so closely. You loudly stated that the guy had to know just how stupid cutting you off was; also how dangerous to his kid his bad driving could be. I saw where this was going and wisely cuddled the puppy close and said nothing more. Even then, I knew you were unstoppable when "the mood" took you. At this point, you were actually on meds for the bi-polar disorder, but as we all know, nothing works perfectly all the time. There actually has to be some personal effort and restraint. This you did not have that night.
After about a mile, the driver who had performed the EXTREME indignity of cutting YOU off in traffic pulled into a parking lot for the ice arena. Evidently he and his boy were there to see a game. By this time, the guy knew you were after him and he drove around and around for awhile, probably hoping that you'd park and the fact that you were there at the arena was just a co-incidence. Finally, he gave up and parked his car. You pulled the truck to a halt right behind him and jumped out with that flat, grey-eyed glare you have when you are "Mr. Hyde". Striding up so that you were just on the edge of his personal space, you started cussing the guy out as he tried to say something. His boy was cowering in the car and so was I. The puppy could feel the anger and tension and she just pressed up against me and didn't even whimper.
I couldn't hear all the words, but it looked like the man at first tried to defend himself and you kept pushing yourself into his words and his space. He finally must have said he was sorry and you backed off a bit and lectured (which you are SO great at!) him on safe driving habits and the need to keep his boy safe while being driven around town.
You never brought that up again and I sure didn't, but that started a particular disinclination of mine to NOT go anywhere with you when you were over-tired.
Another time was while we were out for dinner and on our way home through town. We were married by this time and you weren't particularly tired, although it was rather late at night. We took a frontage road to get from TGI Friday's to the road you would use to drive home. The frontage road took us in front of a K-Mart and there was a stop sign for the cross street. We weren't going very fast and as we started to pass in front of the stop sign, a driver blasted through it, barely missing us and barreling on toward the K-Mart parking lot. The close call startled both of us and although it WAS close, he didn't actually hit us. You gave me a look and told me to hold on; which I promptly did, although I asked what you were going to do. Riding right up to the bumper of the guy's car and speeding up when he saw you and drove faster, we whipped around in that parking lot far too fast to ever stop if the other drive suddenly slammed on his brakes. All I could think about during the chase was that some little kid could come running out from between the cars and in front of the other car or between the two of us. You kept an angry commentary going about how that guy almost hit us and he was going to pay. I got angry because I was so scared we were going to CAUSE a really bad accident and yelled at you to stop. I intended to get out of the car and go into the store to stay out of your way. I was going to call my son to pick me up. You wouldn't stop for me, of course and when the other driver finally gave up and parked, I saw that he was a fairly young man and although he didn't LOOK particularly "rough", I saw that he was physically well able to beat you up if he though he needed to. That was when my thoughts went to how late it really was and how there was nobody outside the store at the moment.
Luckily, the guy was feeling very guilty for running that stop sign and almost hitting us. He apologized and stood quietly while you gave him your requisite "speech" about safety driving cars, then you and he actually shook hands.
I was steaming mad when you got back into our car and I launched into the reasons why that was stupid to follow a person after a situation like that.
One, it was late at night and the person in the other car could be as aggressive and angry as YOU were and beat the pulp out of you with nobody around but me.
Two, there could have been more people in the car and they could have been in the mood to gang up against you.
Three, I was there with you and you held NO concern for MY safety at all! The fact that I had to hold on hard to keep from hitting my head on the passenger window while you rammed the car all around and then sit in the car while you potentially approaching a heated argument with a stranger who might have been a younger version of you didn't enter your mind, let alone that the car COULD have been filled with younger men in pursuit of some entertainment in the form of a fight.
What right did you have to lecture about safe driving????
I remember when we first got the puppy you bought when we were together for a fairly short time. We had her in that old truck of yours with us, going out to pick up something from the store, I suppose. I really don't remember why we were out on the road that night. I do know we had been working out in the shop all day and that we were both very tired. A fellow driver cut you off out on Riverside and you blew up (yes, it was wrong of him, but you WAY over-reacted. Instead of letting off a little steam by swearing at the guy (which you also indulged in), you followed him in a fit of rage, WAY too closely, noting aloud along the way that the man had a young boy in the car with him. I tried to calm you and asked why we were following and so closely. You loudly stated that the guy had to know just how stupid cutting you off was; also how dangerous to his kid his bad driving could be. I saw where this was going and wisely cuddled the puppy close and said nothing more. Even then, I knew you were unstoppable when "the mood" took you. At this point, you were actually on meds for the bi-polar disorder, but as we all know, nothing works perfectly all the time. There actually has to be some personal effort and restraint. This you did not have that night.
After about a mile, the driver who had performed the EXTREME indignity of cutting YOU off in traffic pulled into a parking lot for the ice arena. Evidently he and his boy were there to see a game. By this time, the guy knew you were after him and he drove around and around for awhile, probably hoping that you'd park and the fact that you were there at the arena was just a co-incidence. Finally, he gave up and parked his car. You pulled the truck to a halt right behind him and jumped out with that flat, grey-eyed glare you have when you are "Mr. Hyde". Striding up so that you were just on the edge of his personal space, you started cussing the guy out as he tried to say something. His boy was cowering in the car and so was I. The puppy could feel the anger and tension and she just pressed up against me and didn't even whimper.
I couldn't hear all the words, but it looked like the man at first tried to defend himself and you kept pushing yourself into his words and his space. He finally must have said he was sorry and you backed off a bit and lectured (which you are SO great at!) him on safe driving habits and the need to keep his boy safe while being driven around town.
You never brought that up again and I sure didn't, but that started a particular disinclination of mine to NOT go anywhere with you when you were over-tired.
Another time was while we were out for dinner and on our way home through town. We were married by this time and you weren't particularly tired, although it was rather late at night. We took a frontage road to get from TGI Friday's to the road you would use to drive home. The frontage road took us in front of a K-Mart and there was a stop sign for the cross street. We weren't going very fast and as we started to pass in front of the stop sign, a driver blasted through it, barely missing us and barreling on toward the K-Mart parking lot. The close call startled both of us and although it WAS close, he didn't actually hit us. You gave me a look and told me to hold on; which I promptly did, although I asked what you were going to do. Riding right up to the bumper of the guy's car and speeding up when he saw you and drove faster, we whipped around in that parking lot far too fast to ever stop if the other drive suddenly slammed on his brakes. All I could think about during the chase was that some little kid could come running out from between the cars and in front of the other car or between the two of us. You kept an angry commentary going about how that guy almost hit us and he was going to pay. I got angry because I was so scared we were going to CAUSE a really bad accident and yelled at you to stop. I intended to get out of the car and go into the store to stay out of your way. I was going to call my son to pick me up. You wouldn't stop for me, of course and when the other driver finally gave up and parked, I saw that he was a fairly young man and although he didn't LOOK particularly "rough", I saw that he was physically well able to beat you up if he though he needed to. That was when my thoughts went to how late it really was and how there was nobody outside the store at the moment.
Luckily, the guy was feeling very guilty for running that stop sign and almost hitting us. He apologized and stood quietly while you gave him your requisite "speech" about safety driving cars, then you and he actually shook hands.
I was steaming mad when you got back into our car and I launched into the reasons why that was stupid to follow a person after a situation like that.
One, it was late at night and the person in the other car could be as aggressive and angry as YOU were and beat the pulp out of you with nobody around but me.
Two, there could have been more people in the car and they could have been in the mood to gang up against you.
Three, I was there with you and you held NO concern for MY safety at all! The fact that I had to hold on hard to keep from hitting my head on the passenger window while you rammed the car all around and then sit in the car while you potentially approaching a heated argument with a stranger who might have been a younger version of you didn't enter your mind, let alone that the car COULD have been filled with younger men in pursuit of some entertainment in the form of a fight.
What right did you have to lecture about safe driving????
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