Ever notice the difference between what you SAY and what you DO? For years, you "preached" about how the law states that divorce resolution is 50/50 regarding marital property and now what are you doing? You are not the man I married, that's for sure. I guess I'm not the woman you married either, since you abused me for your own amusement in so many ways. I'm coming back though...and WILL be back to my old self soon. I have friends and family who stuck by me, even when I was agoraphobic due to your aggressive mental abuse of my mind. They are helping me to slowly regain my forward movement and reach back into the back of my mind to recover things like my love of reading, my extensive vocabulary and the arts of drawing and painting...as well as my love of nature and walking for hours alone or with friends.
You cannot reach my mind anymore and had better not come in direct or indirect contact with me. There are laws protecting me, as well as people who love me and will be there for me when needed. Unlike yourself, pushing away friends and family alike while actively seeking out things to look upon as negative...I'm reaching OUT to friends and family, telling them what happened to me during the 11 years of subtle and progressive mental and emotional abuse you dished out while seeming to be the loving husband I thought I had married. It took me about 3 years to realize you had changed and I tried and tried to get you to find help, with or without me. Instead you refused and continued to move on into the dark abyss you find yourself in now, dragging me along because I wouldn't quit trying to save you and myself, as well as our marriage.
Well, that's done now....feel free to move on with your life. I hope you find peace and happiness.
I forgive myself and you and anyone who was involved in perpetuating our descent into anger and frustration that was mutually wounding.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The SAME THING???
When we were first dating, I went to the grocery store with you and then back to your house to put groceries away. I had driven over after work, so my car was right there ready to take me home.
While we were bringing in bags of groceries, I said something (I don't even remember exactly what it was) about myself, probably making a comment about being a "dumb blonde" or something. You told me not to say things like that about myself AS you elbowed me HARD in the back!
It really hurt and I started to cry. You didn't apologize, and kept on putting things away in the pantry while I went into the bathroom to look at my back in the mirror. There was a big red splotch and I could tell it was going to bruise (it did, and the bruise was nasty looking as well as being very sore for several days).
I walked back out to the kitchen, where you were putting things into the fridge. By then, I was just sniffling a little, but I had dried my eyes. You looked flatly at me as I came out and I asked if you had done that on purpose. You told me that I hurting myself by saying things like that, so you should be able to hurt me in the way you did. You said IT WAS THE SAME THING!
I got really upset and knew I was going to cry AGAIN, but I also knew that you HATED it when I cried, so I just picked up my purse and walked out the door, got into my car and drove home. I told myself that I was never going out with you again...but you know what? The next day, you called and you were sooooo sweet and told me about getting tickets for some band we liked and that we were going that weekend. Did I tell you no, and hang up? NO! I told MYSELF that it was your way of apologizing and everything would be ok.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
West Winds....
I remember the VERY early winter morning when I got up to work at 6am and went outside to the car to find it would not start. My job was only five minutes from home at that time and the winter weather had blown in that night with below zero wind chills. Since the four-car garage was filled to bursting with your projects and that tractor you decided to "restore", our cars could not fit into the space. I had parked the car I used up by the house so that it would be easy for me to run out and start it up to warm while I got ready for work.
When the car would NOT start, I woke you and told you about it. Getting up, you went out and tried it for yourself. Being groggy with sleep, you were very quiet and I stayed out of the way, but at hand in case you needed me to hand you a tool or something. You asked for the hair dryer and I ran in to get it, looking at the clock and thinking that I was going to be VERY late if this didn't work. I wasn't going to say anything to you because I KNEW it would not be a good idea.
After using the hair dryer all you dared, the car still wouldn't start and I told you I was going to call my boss to let her know I wouldn't be in until you could drop me off on YOUR way to work. That would be hours later, but there was no way around it, unless you could take me in and then go back home to sleep.
You belligerently began to tell me it was MY fault the car was "frozen" up! You said that EVERYONE knows that you do not park a car with the nose facing west winds in the winter! I was struck dumb by your righteous anger! There were SO many times that both of us had parked that very same car in that very same spot the very same way...in WINTER!
I grew up with a mechanic for a Dad, as you know.....he never mentioned ANYTHING about "west winds" in winter, summer or any other time! I had never heard of that and YOU certainly never told me such a thing! Since you've told me many other true, untrue and weird things, I found it astounding that west winds in winter never came up until this!
I didn't say anything to you about it at that time, because I knew it wouldn't do any good and would just make you start yelling, since you are ALWAYS right. I called my boss and luckily, she was on her way to work and would swing by and pick me up. I was never so glad to get away from you and your Hyde attitude and go to work! I was also never so glad that you were at work when I arrived home via a ride from a co-worker.
When you did come home, I asked you how much you remembered....thinking (hoping) that you had been just too sleepy and disoriented to have really known what you said to me. You started in on that "west wind in winter" thing again, so I went to bed with a good book and ignored your pouting and anger. This particular Hyde-event lasted a little over one week, until you forgot about it.
When the car would NOT start, I woke you and told you about it. Getting up, you went out and tried it for yourself. Being groggy with sleep, you were very quiet and I stayed out of the way, but at hand in case you needed me to hand you a tool or something. You asked for the hair dryer and I ran in to get it, looking at the clock and thinking that I was going to be VERY late if this didn't work. I wasn't going to say anything to you because I KNEW it would not be a good idea.
After using the hair dryer all you dared, the car still wouldn't start and I told you I was going to call my boss to let her know I wouldn't be in until you could drop me off on YOUR way to work. That would be hours later, but there was no way around it, unless you could take me in and then go back home to sleep.
You belligerently began to tell me it was MY fault the car was "frozen" up! You said that EVERYONE knows that you do not park a car with the nose facing west winds in the winter! I was struck dumb by your righteous anger! There were SO many times that both of us had parked that very same car in that very same spot the very same way...in WINTER!
I grew up with a mechanic for a Dad, as you know.....he never mentioned ANYTHING about "west winds" in winter, summer or any other time! I had never heard of that and YOU certainly never told me such a thing! Since you've told me many other true, untrue and weird things, I found it astounding that west winds in winter never came up until this!
I didn't say anything to you about it at that time, because I knew it wouldn't do any good and would just make you start yelling, since you are ALWAYS right. I called my boss and luckily, she was on her way to work and would swing by and pick me up. I was never so glad to get away from you and your Hyde attitude and go to work! I was also never so glad that you were at work when I arrived home via a ride from a co-worker.
When you did come home, I asked you how much you remembered....thinking (hoping) that you had been just too sleepy and disoriented to have really known what you said to me. You started in on that "west wind in winter" thing again, so I went to bed with a good book and ignored your pouting and anger. This particular Hyde-event lasted a little over one week, until you forgot about it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
My Birthday Party...
Remember my birthday party.... the first one I spent with you? We had invited several of your family to come with us to the City Club and you paid for a wonderful meal for everyone. When you paid about $100 for a bottle of great champagne, I was shocked! Back in 1997, that was quite a lot of money for us.
We had a good time eating and chatting, then all of you sang Happy Birthday to me. You stood up and toasted me, referring to me as "the woman of your dreams". Your sister was in tears and quietly said, "oh........!". It was VERY romantic!
What a fantastic evening that was. I wish my Mom and Dad could have been there with us, but they were both not feeling well and couldn't make it. I told them all about it the next day and they were SO happy for me to have found such a sensitive and caring man.
Happy times.....
Monday, January 10, 2011
Leaves...
Remember the time when I had left the garage door open on a beautiful, sunny and warm fall morning. It was a Sunday and I was up early, as usual. Letting you sleep in, I went outside to take care of all the animals and decided that the cement slab would get nice and warm with the way the sun was shining if I left both garage doors open. I knew you were planning on working out in the garage later when you woke up. I then went back into the house and made breakfast and we had it out on the patio with our long, lingering coffee and conversation afterward.
Soon after you walked up to the garage, you came STORMING back to the house, where I was vacuuming the downstairs gathering room. You were having an absolute FIT about all the leaves that had blown into the garage. You could not BELIEVE that I left those doors open, even though you did it all the time to "warm up the slab" and make the garage more comfortable to work in. Being the fall season, there were plenty of leaves and the breeze in the morning when I left the doors open was not enough to even rustle them. Evidently, while we were having our breakfast a wind had come up. I went up there with you and saw that leaves had blown in, but it wasn't exactly six feet deep, like you would have had me believe. I did apologize and explained why I left the doors open, but that wasn't enough for you. You ranted on about it all day long and ruined a perfectly lovely day for me. You ruined it for yourself too, because it really was NOT a tragedy to have leaves blow into your garage, which you had "just swept clean yourself" the day before.
Why didn't you EVER think about all the stuff you walked through a clean house with on your shoes, boots and pant legs? I would spend my whole day off cleaning, especially when we had company coming over for dinner or something. You'd be walking through from the back door to the basement entry...back and forth...sawdust, wood chips, metal scraps, leaves, dirt....all kinds of debris falling to the carpet in our HOUSE! The you would come in and take off your outer shirt that was full of whatever you'd been working around and drop it on the floor or throw in on a chair.
Why did you never see that you so often did things to OTHERS when you constantly raged that people did to YOU????
Soon after you walked up to the garage, you came STORMING back to the house, where I was vacuuming the downstairs gathering room. You were having an absolute FIT about all the leaves that had blown into the garage. You could not BELIEVE that I left those doors open, even though you did it all the time to "warm up the slab" and make the garage more comfortable to work in. Being the fall season, there were plenty of leaves and the breeze in the morning when I left the doors open was not enough to even rustle them. Evidently, while we were having our breakfast a wind had come up. I went up there with you and saw that leaves had blown in, but it wasn't exactly six feet deep, like you would have had me believe. I did apologize and explained why I left the doors open, but that wasn't enough for you. You ranted on about it all day long and ruined a perfectly lovely day for me. You ruined it for yourself too, because it really was NOT a tragedy to have leaves blow into your garage, which you had "just swept clean yourself" the day before.
Why didn't you EVER think about all the stuff you walked through a clean house with on your shoes, boots and pant legs? I would spend my whole day off cleaning, especially when we had company coming over for dinner or something. You'd be walking through from the back door to the basement entry...back and forth...sawdust, wood chips, metal scraps, leaves, dirt....all kinds of debris falling to the carpet in our HOUSE! The you would come in and take off your outer shirt that was full of whatever you'd been working around and drop it on the floor or throw in on a chair.
Why did you never see that you so often did things to OTHERS when you constantly raged that people did to YOU????
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Good times...
We had SO many great experiences together....so much fun and laughter! Remember when we grilled chicken outside in the dead of winter and ate it with our fingers right off the grill while standing out of the wind (in the dark) by the back door! LOL...it was so good! No spices, just grilled with cherry wood. The chicken was pink with cherry smoke and was so delicious I ate two whole pieces!
You used to laugh at me when it was time for a meal, because I would eat just a tiny bit....you told me I ate like a bird.....then I would eat a HUGE chunk of whatever was offered for dessert! Then you made up my nickname of "The Dessert Queen". You wouldn't let me eat dessert unless I ate a regular meal and I was NOT used to that! I had lived alone long enough to enjoy my "food freedom" and rebelled vigorously! Finally, I gave in to your wishes....mostly because I knew you were right, well....except for the meat part. I don't particularly like meat and you ate quite a bit of it! I still would rather have cheese or nuts or something...unless turkey is offered! I LOVE turkey with cranberry sauce and that way I can give leftovers to my kitties, who adore turkey!
We used to grill almost every Sunday when we'd cook for the week together. We would sit and talk and laugh while drinking wine in winter and beer in summer. The best was when we had finished up on a long day of hot yard work or something like that. Sitting in the cool of a summer evening with an ice-cold beer and chatting with your love is a great feeling! When we finished, we'd had an entire weeks worth of food to pack in our lunches for work and have when we got home from work. That was one of your ideas that I REALLY agreed with! We had fun preparing and cooking and even cleaning up! Having you to share in that chore made me like cooking for myself again. LOL....when you first met me and looked into my pantry and refrigerator, I remember the look of true HORROR on your face. I think I had milk and cheese in the frig and Cafe Vienna instant coffee and crackers in the pantry. You could not believe that I didn't have "real" food in my kitchen. You didn't realize then that I usually ate out, stopping at a Denny's after work and going out with my friends on weekends or going to a family members house for dinner. You told me I was too skinny and that you could see all of my ribs in my back. You wanted to fatten me up and "teach" me how to eat RIGHT! To you, that meant eating LOTS of meat! Something I resisted (and mostly succeeded) to avoid the whole time we were together. You even conceded that you ate too much meat there at the end...after listening to your doctor talk about heart disease and the efforts of too much red meat. I guess growing up on a farm with cows and pigs to butcher and freeze had much to do with your tendency to eat so much meat. It agreed with you until a certain point, then it started to put unhealthy "belly weight" on you. That was when you really took a close look at your diet.
You used to laugh at me when it was time for a meal, because I would eat just a tiny bit....you told me I ate like a bird.....then I would eat a HUGE chunk of whatever was offered for dessert! Then you made up my nickname of "The Dessert Queen". You wouldn't let me eat dessert unless I ate a regular meal and I was NOT used to that! I had lived alone long enough to enjoy my "food freedom" and rebelled vigorously! Finally, I gave in to your wishes....mostly because I knew you were right, well....except for the meat part. I don't particularly like meat and you ate quite a bit of it! I still would rather have cheese or nuts or something...unless turkey is offered! I LOVE turkey with cranberry sauce and that way I can give leftovers to my kitties, who adore turkey!
We used to grill almost every Sunday when we'd cook for the week together. We would sit and talk and laugh while drinking wine in winter and beer in summer. The best was when we had finished up on a long day of hot yard work or something like that. Sitting in the cool of a summer evening with an ice-cold beer and chatting with your love is a great feeling! When we finished, we'd had an entire weeks worth of food to pack in our lunches for work and have when we got home from work. That was one of your ideas that I REALLY agreed with! We had fun preparing and cooking and even cleaning up! Having you to share in that chore made me like cooking for myself again. LOL....when you first met me and looked into my pantry and refrigerator, I remember the look of true HORROR on your face. I think I had milk and cheese in the frig and Cafe Vienna instant coffee and crackers in the pantry. You could not believe that I didn't have "real" food in my kitchen. You didn't realize then that I usually ate out, stopping at a Denny's after work and going out with my friends on weekends or going to a family members house for dinner. You told me I was too skinny and that you could see all of my ribs in my back. You wanted to fatten me up and "teach" me how to eat RIGHT! To you, that meant eating LOTS of meat! Something I resisted (and mostly succeeded) to avoid the whole time we were together. You even conceded that you ate too much meat there at the end...after listening to your doctor talk about heart disease and the efforts of too much red meat. I guess growing up on a farm with cows and pigs to butcher and freeze had much to do with your tendency to eat so much meat. It agreed with you until a certain point, then it started to put unhealthy "belly weight" on you. That was when you really took a close look at your diet.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Remember???
When we first started dating, we could not get enough time together. I worked first shift and you worked second, usually weekends too. Those phone calls you made to me were our only time together for months, except for an occasional hour or two between when I got off work and you left for work....or a Sunday together. I did what I could to help you at your place because you were working so many hours. You got into the habit of not being afraid to ask me to do anything. You asked me to knock down your cobwebs because you "never seemed to get around to it". It was this and that, here and there...along with whatever I thought would help you at the time. I painted a gate you had built for between the cow pastures. I cleaned your house, swept your garage, mowed your lawn, ground corn and fed your cows. I also took care of my own five acres and house, along with my horse and dogs and kitties. Oh, I guess you did take care of spreading fertilizer on my yard one year.....with a garden tractor and rotary spreader.
Remember when you asked me to call a "friend" who had purchased one of your cows the year previous and find out why he hadn't paid the rest of the money? I wanted to please you SO much that I did it and felt like a villain. The wife of your friend told me all the money troubles they'd been having and when I told you, you just said "oh, ok..." and never asked him for the money again. I don't even know if he ever did pay you for that cow. Why in the world did you ask ME to call him???
When we first met, I used to work out every day...usually on my stair climber. Forty-five minutes, twice a day and my legs were AWESOME! Once we were "an item", this wasn't something I had time for. I still got exercise from all the yard work and wood splitting and stacking, tree trimming, cleaning barns and houses....but it wasn't the same. My toned legs started to thin out and (it seemed like), all of a sudden weren't toned anymore. You even told me so one afternoon when we had traveled to Minnesota for your cousin's wedding. That was a shocker....I don't know why....it just didn't occur to me that you would notice, let alone say that!
I also used to have friends and close family. This began to be too much of an effort after a time with you by my side. You didn't "feel like" doing anything with anyone else but me, except occasionally. You didn't want me to go without you either. By the time I got my work at home(s) done after work, I was too tired to do anything when you were at work, plus then you wouldn't be able to call and talk to me! It was soon evident that I needed to stop seeing my friends and keep the family visits for "special events".
Remember once when we first got together, you told me you noticed something about me (I don't even remember what it was!), and I was surprised. You said that you always tried to notice little things about me. I was impressed and flattered, as I don't remember anyone ever doing that before. Except for my Mom, of course! So, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that you noticed my legs had lost their toned shape after months of not working out regularly.
Then...remember? We had gone to the grocery store and stocked up on canned goods that were on sale. We were carrying the groceries in through the back door of your house and I was kind of depressed about something and said something negative about myself. You got angry and elbowed me pretty hard in the back. It hurt and I said so...you ignored me and started putting groceries away. When I told you that it REALLY hurt and that you put a bruise on my back from elbowing too hard, you told me not to "knock myself" then.....I can't think why I didn't realize how LITTLE sense that made. But....I "got over it" and we carried on.
Then....remember? We were herding cows into the chute for shots and I did something "wrong" and flubbed getting a cow in. Even though it wasn't a big deal and we soon got the cow to go in, you yelled at me and made me feel stupid, so I cried. You then got REALLY angry and yelled even louder for me to stop crying. I soon realized that my crying to relieve my pain at your anger only got you MORE angry each and every time I relapsed from my usual "dying to get approval mode", and I soon taught myself NOT to cry....for ANY reason. I didn't get it then....that crying is a natural release for the body and that it can be GOOD to cry...not in an unlimited fashion, of course...just to relax tension and relieve pain that may be physical or mental. I just carried on...being "The Punkin", which is your name for me...I hardly heard my real name from your lips anymore. Only if you were introducing me to someone...which soon carried to "This is Debbie, or The Punkin, as she is better known". While at work, of course, I was just "the girlfriend", then "the fiancee", then "the wife". I hated that, but knew it wasn't meant to be any slight...it was just the way all the guys at worked referred to their "significant other". I guess that's a Chrysler thing.....had never heard of it before.
Remember when you asked me to call a "friend" who had purchased one of your cows the year previous and find out why he hadn't paid the rest of the money? I wanted to please you SO much that I did it and felt like a villain. The wife of your friend told me all the money troubles they'd been having and when I told you, you just said "oh, ok..." and never asked him for the money again. I don't even know if he ever did pay you for that cow. Why in the world did you ask ME to call him???
When we first met, I used to work out every day...usually on my stair climber. Forty-five minutes, twice a day and my legs were AWESOME! Once we were "an item", this wasn't something I had time for. I still got exercise from all the yard work and wood splitting and stacking, tree trimming, cleaning barns and houses....but it wasn't the same. My toned legs started to thin out and (it seemed like), all of a sudden weren't toned anymore. You even told me so one afternoon when we had traveled to Minnesota for your cousin's wedding. That was a shocker....I don't know why....it just didn't occur to me that you would notice, let alone say that!
I also used to have friends and close family. This began to be too much of an effort after a time with you by my side. You didn't "feel like" doing anything with anyone else but me, except occasionally. You didn't want me to go without you either. By the time I got my work at home(s) done after work, I was too tired to do anything when you were at work, plus then you wouldn't be able to call and talk to me! It was soon evident that I needed to stop seeing my friends and keep the family visits for "special events".
Remember once when we first got together, you told me you noticed something about me (I don't even remember what it was!), and I was surprised. You said that you always tried to notice little things about me. I was impressed and flattered, as I don't remember anyone ever doing that before. Except for my Mom, of course! So, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that you noticed my legs had lost their toned shape after months of not working out regularly.
Then...remember? We had gone to the grocery store and stocked up on canned goods that were on sale. We were carrying the groceries in through the back door of your house and I was kind of depressed about something and said something negative about myself. You got angry and elbowed me pretty hard in the back. It hurt and I said so...you ignored me and started putting groceries away. When I told you that it REALLY hurt and that you put a bruise on my back from elbowing too hard, you told me not to "knock myself" then.....I can't think why I didn't realize how LITTLE sense that made. But....I "got over it" and we carried on.
Then....remember? We were herding cows into the chute for shots and I did something "wrong" and flubbed getting a cow in. Even though it wasn't a big deal and we soon got the cow to go in, you yelled at me and made me feel stupid, so I cried. You then got REALLY angry and yelled even louder for me to stop crying. I soon realized that my crying to relieve my pain at your anger only got you MORE angry each and every time I relapsed from my usual "dying to get approval mode", and I soon taught myself NOT to cry....for ANY reason. I didn't get it then....that crying is a natural release for the body and that it can be GOOD to cry...not in an unlimited fashion, of course...just to relax tension and relieve pain that may be physical or mental. I just carried on...being "The Punkin", which is your name for me...I hardly heard my real name from your lips anymore. Only if you were introducing me to someone...which soon carried to "This is Debbie, or The Punkin, as she is better known". While at work, of course, I was just "the girlfriend", then "the fiancee", then "the wife". I hated that, but knew it wasn't meant to be any slight...it was just the way all the guys at worked referred to their "significant other". I guess that's a Chrysler thing.....had never heard of it before.
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